“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Monday, April 29, 2013

day84... excuses excuses

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotions and feelings that are generated within hate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse this body through participating within and as energy while I am within and as hate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as hate.
When and as I see myself participating within and as hate, I stop and I breathe- I realize hate does not help us build anything- I realize hate is simply an outburst of ego trying to get on top of the pile of shit - I realize nothing worthwhile is created from hate -
I commit myself to stop hate within and without.
I am perceiving some people as hating, and I judge that they should not be hating. I felt conflict. I don't know what to think. They should not be hating. How can I help them see that. Within that I feel stressed. Within helping them I generate energy as positivity, but I have to help them because they practically need to stop.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing hate in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others and myself to hate in this world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing others and myself to participate within and as energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in conflict when what I want things to be in reality are not so, such as these people I thought were not hating or full of hate, and in fact they were.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my expectations not being met, of how I thought other people actually were, to be an excuse for me to hate and accept and allow hate in them, and not see their hate and my hate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate life because others hate life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the hating of life in every moment of breath, when I am not here, and I am participating in the mind as energy, as thoughts, and emotions and feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be an ego, pretending I do not see what is here, and pretending I am enlightened in order to not see what is here, in order to feel better about the mess we are in.
When and as I see myself pretending to be an ego, I stop and I breathe- I realize no one is really better, and we are all equal to ourselves and what we accept and allow, so  no one is special and we are bound by the same rules and consequences.
I commit myself to be self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel disappointed when my expectations of others are not met, and to allow this to "get me down" that I start giving upand I let go of responsibility to become like them, "less than," "weaker" than who we are.
I realize that they are participating in an excuse, just like I was participating in an excuse.
I realize that they may not be fully aware of what is going on, and that they need help in regaining awareness.
I commit myself to help others to become aware that they are participating in excuses and that they require to stop and take responsibility.
I commit myself to take responsibility and expose my excuses.
I commit myself to work on a video project that will help people gain some awareness on the value of life/living.

day 83- I am... um... myself?

Today an interesting point came up, where I was asking why i was a certain way, and I said that it does not matter why I am like this, what matters is what I am, who I am, right now.
Within that some things came up of who I am, and that I can change who I am. The part of why is relevant only so far it informs me of who I am. Though why is not so important. It is bottom line, who I am that matters. Within that I gained power to change some things instantly, that came up, to say no, simply by recognizing who I am in a moment here (nervous), and then moving myself to change. So this is where oneness and equality comes into play, by recognizing what is you, you gain power to change you. So in the same way, seeing this reality as you,  gives you the power to change reality as you. The change happens on a who you are level, which requires following through on a practical level. Who are you and what will you do about it?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture myself as homeless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to being homeless.
When and as I see myself thinking I am homeless, I stop and I breathe- and I direct myself to work with reality to provide for myself the best life possible, where I use my skills and talents to support myself in working at a job or working towards a career, and also work to support this reality, which could be aligned with my job/career.
I commit myself to work and support myself and this reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don't know anything.
When and as I see myself thinking I don't know anything- I stop and I breathe- and I direct myself to learn about reality and everything.
I commit myself to learn about everything.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Day82- inferiority


INFERIORITY.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to XXX.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as superior to XXX.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider myself as dumb in comparison to XXX.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to YYY.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as superior to YYY.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to ZZZ.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as superior to ZZZ.
I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to consider myself as dumb in comparison to ZZZ.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to AAAA
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as superior to AAAA


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to DDDD.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as superior to DDDD.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to EEE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as superior to EEE.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to RRRR
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as superior to RRRR.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to QQQQ.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as superior to QQQQ. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as not worthy of a great life.
I forgive myself for not giving myself the best life possible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself crap.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give to myself shit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose greatness over myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose glory over myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose anything over myself.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

day81- Oh my God! @#$%



So one thing I have been participating in, is energy in my words, and specifically negativity. I play myself out in a negative way.
How I feel right now is tons of energy. Now, one reason why I am not stopping is because I seem to be addicted to talking about myself to others. And I perceive writing right now as if I am talking about myself. So this is the primary point, writing and generating energy within writing about myself. And so I am not stopping the energy.

SO I remember as a child, I would share myself with my mother. And when I would share a realization to her, I notice I would immediately forget what I had realized and sometimes I would actually do the opposite of what I realized not to do.

The nature of the realization was to better myself. To acquire some perspective or knowledge that was making me more aware. Yet within sharing it I became less aware. I notice I would feel great within sharing. I see now a connection with the thought pattern  of wanting to learn and improve even if it means I forget everything and start from scratch because I enjoyed the learning process and the growing process. So learning, growing, becoming more is attached with energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I shared with my mother I would immediately forget about what I shared with her, as a realization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate energy when I shared with my mother a realization. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate energy when I share a realization, because I was perceiving myself as becoming more or greater.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about the realization, because I wanted to generate energy through the process of sharing my greatness as knowledge, again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach learning to energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach becoming more with energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach growing with more energy.


SO looking at my first paragraph, now that the energy has died down, I am willing to see, to admit, that something more sinister is at play in me. I am seeing my program of avoiding writing, avoiding JTL daily writing. I see that this overriding energy, as an emergency attempt by the mind, by me, to not go any further, to stop in process, to become unaware, dumbed-down, and just completely reactive to everything. To not make any decisions again. To be a good servant to and never speak again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow energies within me, positive, neutral, and negative, to determine what I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand within the absolute point of being the one who determines what I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts, memories, imagination, backchat to determine what I do.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that everything that my conscious mind consists of is thoughts, memories, imagination, backchat, and positive, neutral, and negative energies, that I can easily identify what is the conscious mind, and whether the conscious mind is directing me because one of these expressions of the mind is here and I was not here, I can see how it is determining what I am doing.

When and as I see myself participating in the mind- I stop and I breathe- I direct me, and I learn about my experiences, and I apply myself within awareness, the process of stopping and growing - I realize the ability to stop and say no is an essential ability for everyone to be effective in whatever they do- I realize I fell for temptation within the temptation of never having to say no again- i realize I used others, and within that abusing them, to serve as an excuse to give up my stance of developing inhibition or the ability to say no and change- I realize that no matter what anyone says, or how bad things get, that I am the one that determines whether I stand as what is best for all, as someone that can say no to any participation and uses this power to create himself into a perfect being, as in the human physical form, perfect as defined by reality not consciousness.

I commit myself to apply myself in every moment in physical 3D space and time, in the way that is best for all.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge absolute power as evil.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge God to be evil, instead of seeing that god chose to be evil, but god is still god, and so can still choose to be good, as defined by reality.     

I commit myself to create a world that is best for all, including of course me, which would be a life that I would have wanted for myself, one free from energies, and enslavement, and full of expansion, growth, expression, love and care in the physical senses of the words.
I commit myself to give myself the life I always wanted, the life that should have been, but wasn't. 
 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

day80- Difficulty of being yourself + self-forgiveness

Working with others can be very difficult. For me, I often become a different person than when I am alone. One thing that is easy for me to forget is that I am always alone with myself. I prefer to be this person always, because I am standing by myself always. I have not been myself for the last 9 months. I took myself to the metaphorical sacrificial altar to sacrifice myself in the name of the money system, in order to sell myself out, to "know who I am" according to a position in the system of money or education. I highly do not recommend sacrificing yourself. You lose everything and more. You become blind, deaf, and senseless all at once. To others you appear happy. Indeed, it is the only way to cope with the betrayal.It became a free-for-all for the systems of the mind. As I write this I am forgiving all the charges I see that I have placed on my words. So, one thing that has happened is that my words have received positive and/or negative charges. I have a tendency to say certain phrases because I am avoiding some words (negative) and I am attracted to using other words (positive). I suppose at some level I was treating this all like it was a bad dream that I would wake up from. It's very much real. I was waiting for some exterior force to swoop in to save me. I feel a pain when I am with myself. It is not physical, it is an inner feeling. Like I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I did something wrong. Like I regret something. Like I forgot something, and I am trying my best to not remember. There is a certain system I have accepted: best forgot about the past, it does not matter. Behind this system is a complacent position of acceptance. What do I accept myself as? Dumb, stupid, intelligent, inexperienced, undisciplined, weak, weak-willed, unable, incapable, worthless. What I am thinking now is about the term dumb-beast. What I am seeing now is the abuse we unleash on animals. And what I am seeing is me accepting this abuse, as everywhere where it exists. I will not stand for abuse from anyone, not even if they are my closest friend, not even if it is something I have a long history with, not even if it is something I respect, not even if it is someone I believe has power over me. Especially not someone who would claim to care for all life, yet they would abuse another. I became this person. I abused myself. I cannot accept and allow abuse from another or myself. No matter the circumstance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse from another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse to another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing abuse to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am not separate from others: how I treat myself, is how I treat others, and how I treat others is how I treat myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as dumb, and in so doing accepting all life as dumb.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as dumb
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as stupid, and in so doing accepting all life as stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as unintelligent, and in so doing accepting all life as unintelligent.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as unintelligent.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as inexperienced, and in so doing accepting all life as inexperienced.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as inexperienced
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as  undisciplined, and in so doing accepting all life as undisciplined.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as undisciplined.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as weak, and in so doing accepting all life as weak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as weak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as  weak-willed, and in so doing accepting all life as weak-willed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as weak-willed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as unable, and in so doing accepting all life as unable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as unable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as  incapable, and in so doing accepting all life as incapable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as incapable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as worthless, and in so doing accepting all life as worthless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as worthless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as how the animals are abused, and so implicitly accepting and allowing the same abuse that is done on the animals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the connection between animal abuse and what I am doing to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see animals as less than me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see animals as more than me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as less than me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as more than me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care enough about myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nothing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel nothing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of feeling something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore what I am feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I am feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of standing for what I see and understand as what is right for life as equals and as one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create resistance and conflict to what is best for all. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive that what is best for all involves avoiding all conflict and resistance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create resistance and conflict towards myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to create resistance and conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out resistance and conflict.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create consequence for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what is best for all is whatever the group decides.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that what is best for all is something objective and empirical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that if I stand as everyone as equals, I am able to see what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I do not decide what is best for all, I discover it, and then practically bring it into reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the company of others more than myself standing as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing others for standing as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing people that say they stand for what is best for all, over my stand as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing as the principle of what is best for all. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing as the principle of what is best for all, alone. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that if I stand as the principle of what is best for all, alone, then that means I am somehow wrong because no one agrees with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need confirmation from others in order to know whether I am actually standing as the principle of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I can use the perspectives of others to gain perspective on what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that everyone must individually take responsibility to see what is best for all for themselves, so there are no masters and slaves, but individuals that use commonsense and are able to reason for themselves to reach conclusions that stand within what is best for all, as well as able to fine tune their conclusions as more information is uncovered about reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control the thoughts and beliefs of other people, and so within doing I ended up controlling and manipulating myself into submission by the mind.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allwoing mysef to realize I can only take responsibility over what I can directly direct as myself- I cannot direct another- I can only provide information to them, which they can then use to direct themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire more power than what I possess, which led to a frustration and addiction to energy of frustration, where I attempted to overcome my frustration, which led to more friction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a fictional idea of control over others, instead of the real practical control of applying my will within this one life, which I have been given. 
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to apply the principle of oneness and equality such that I cannot have more power over another than what they would have over me.

So I see clearly that the point is not to foster the mind in anyway whatsoever, not to fuel it or support it in anyway, but to truly support yourself to standup and take responsibility over the areas of your life that the mind has been directing. That includes seeing for yourself what is right and what is wrong, which is the very definition of self-honesty. And of course, living it, and actually doing it.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

day79 Creating a War within myself .........(not advised) ............(no seriously, don't do it!)

Hey, so just to share, I have been creating a war within myself. Instead of picking the point that all would agree with: what is best for all... I have instead been perceiving myself as an individual that can be attacked on this point that, within this imagination of being attacked, I am really deep down, hiding points that I fear being exposed, because I fear that I may have to let them go for what is best for all. So herein I make the commitment to expose me completely, to question every point within me, to not react at what is existent within me and judge what is within me as bad, before I even get to expose it for myself. Bad, the word bad, or evil, can be put to good use, to serve what is best for all. It also can be used to cause separation. So within this commonsense perspective, words are innocent, including the word evil, and from my view, I cannot see a word that is not innocent. So we do in fact abuse words, whenever we do not use them as how they would want to be treated, to serve what is best for all. As we see from the portal, the possibility exists that everything is aware, which to me makes much more sense than everything not being aware. It makes more sense to me that we are all beings, and that who we really are is one and equal, however we have not been living that. This makes sense to me. And I would choose to live this way because it is the best message possible, because it empowers me, that anything I will face in this existence will be me, because this existence is me, there are no rules or boundaries except being aware that we are all one and equal, and within that I find a strength. However I am a long way away of clearing up what I am not moving myself to see, which is what is here, what is physically here. 

So I start again, I have been creating a war within myself. I perceive others as enemies, as threats to who I am, and how I am living. I perceive a threat to free-will and free choice. I do know already that this is silly. I do know already that I am creating a fuss. I do know already that what I am doing is running in circles. I do know all this, yet I have not let go. Why? What am I holding onto that is so important? Pride? Ego? Greed? A desire to be great or famous? I see a picture of me being a leader, being a great prophet essentially. I see a snakes tongue speaking and convincing people, moving people, believing and desiring myself to control the will of others, under the excuse of creating a world that is best for all. This is silly, and I know that already. Everyone is here and everyone is equal already, it is even through our equality that we are able to manifest inequality. Because others would willingly fall into your control does not give me the right to manipulate others, unless it would actually support them in some way to realize that they are not standing as who they really are as life, one and equal to me and everyone. This is the journey we must take, to realize we are all one and equal, and there is not a single point in this existence that isn't. Which is why its so hilarious when people say Bernard is a leader or we destonians look up to Bernard in an inferiority fashion, because the very principle of oneness and equality would not allow Bernard to do such a thing, and indeed if you observe his actions, he always speaks from the point of oneness and equality, trying to bring others up, and challenge them to realize the simple truth, there are no superiors, there are equals. there are no inferiors, there are equals. There is only this physical existence that is of importance, we all have different forms, yet we are equal. The equality is within who you are and how you live within your life situation. Are you accepting any inferiority within you? 

So for me, the answer is yes, I have. I have been existing in an excuse realm of inferiority. Afraid to speak the truth I have been living. Because truth, you see, is something you live, its not something you know, it is what you live, here, now, in this moment. What are you hiding, because that is who you are lol. If you do not hide, well that may mean that you know yourself, doesn't it lol. Yet another polarity can be played here. You or I could then believe that not hiding is an answer, lol. That forgets the whole point of oneness and equality. It is just that. Hiding is one manifestation that we can hide within, our responsibility to ourselves and each other as equals. There is nothing wrong with hiding in it self. hiding is hiding. What matters is what you are hiding. 

I made the mistake once to believe that if I simply spoke truthfully of everything, that means, whatever was on my mind I would share it. This is stupid. Because truth is not about being an automatic robot that speaks whatever comes up in you head. THat is not living your WorDs! Also, something I knew, yet yet, is there an excuse? I knew it. I knew it. 

So... self-honesty, as in sharing what is really going on. I have a mind. The mind does speak to me. This I see as problematic because how can I really live, if I do not work with the information myself, and see how to make decisions, and how to assess what is right and wrong, if I do not do it myself, and instead let something which I do not really know how it works, where it comes from, and really nothing about it, besides that it is here and it speaks to me? I cannot really live, because living would imply I could do all things that comes with being alive, and that includes making decisions. How can I make a decision, when all I feel is fear of a certain outcome, and magically I decide to do a certain thing instantly without a real foundation of trust that I will produce the outcome that I intended? I intend to be the individual that is able to work with this reality, to see how to make the outcome that I am choosing. I do not see fear playing a useful role within that. I must stop fear, not because it is bad in itself, but because it is bad for making decisions, it is bad for paying attention, it is bad for being here, it is bad for living. Fear kills, and I want to live. So its nothing personal, its just my choice. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear within me. 

When and as I see fear within me, I stop and breathe- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this fear, for having built this fear, and participated in this fear- I remind myself that fear does not serve a purpose other than being fear within me. I remind myself that I do not have to accept fear within me because of my history of accepting fear. I can let go of fear, and I will remain. This indicates I am not fear, that it is not who I really am. It indicates fear is my creation and i am taking responsibility for it now. I realize I am actually transforming fear into something useful, into a remembrance of who I am as life, and that fear is really life as well, representing my absence to life, as well as my transformation into life. I realize the same goes for everything that I forgive. Everything is a gift for transformation, the positive energies, the negative energies, its all energies, and its all the enslavement we play with. I remember clearly when I was younger, that I played with the positive and negative energies within me. I knew the moment that the portal spoke on the polarity of energies and how we must stop, I knew what she meant. I knew, and I feel within me that we all do in fact know. This is for you to be self-honest about. Enslavement has been a ruse, we are playing with. We can stop at anytime. We can stop the participation in our minds for this moment. If we can stop in this moment it means we can stop participation in every moment. But it does not mean it will be easy. This depends on whether we really are forgiving. Whether we are really being honest. Whether we really trust ourselves to know what is best for all in this moment. And whether we really take responsibility to create what is best for all as one and as equal. 

I have a long journey ahead of me. I will be sharing to myself the various stuff going in inside me. I will post a select amount of it in my blogs, one point I saw was important is to post only what is self-honest. At the same time I must be careful on what i post. My goal is to do what is best for all. Let's see if I am willing to forgive myself, to trust only that which is best for all, to take responsibility, and be self-honest throughout that whole process. I will create my destiny. 

I commit myself to walk my journey.
I commit myself to do a self-forgiveness for fearing repeating things I have already done.
I commit myself to walk all parts of me, on all the levels where I exist within: mind, physical, quantum mind, unconscious, subconscious and conscious mind etc...
I commit myself to face what I do not know, and learn about it.
I commit myself to face myself openly, and get to know me entirely, slowly over time at the right pace, without skipping points, unless i require to for practical reasons.
I commit myself to always to start with what is relevant here, as a point of practicality.
I commit myself to remind myself and check with myself what energies are existing within me, and to then face this with self-forgiveness, self-intimacy, self-honesty, self-trust and self-responsibility.
I commit myself to walk with breath, breath by breath- and live self-honesty in the moment.
I commit myself to learn what self-trust is and to ask help from others to learn what this means.
I commit myself to share in writing how I live with myself, and what forgiveness and commitments I am making without reservations or fear, but only with practicality in mind with what I share online, and what is a sufficient amount for others to read, as well as what is too much to be read.
I commit myself to write down the forgiveness and commitments I make in a day, everyday.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in repetition, and time loops, and any indication that is attached to the idea or concept that I am repeating something and I am time looping.

When and as I see myself fear repeating something over again, something that I thought I had already accomplished or integrated into myself- I stop and breathe, and realize if I am repeating a pattern it means I have not learned my lesson and now is the opportunity to learn for real what I skipped or forgot to do, or purposely left behind.

I commit myself to face my patterns and timeloops.

More SF +SC I made today

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge fighting for my individuality with energy.

When and as I see myself fighting for my individuality while charging energy- I stop and I breathe- I realize individuality is a nice trick that the mind plays to keep me in a constant struggle, never finding answers, never finding solutions, only charging energy and making highs and lows- I realize that individuality should not be something fought for if I was truly individual as a birthright, that the fact I am individually responsible for this existence as myself is not something to be questioned or fought for, but realized and then lived- I realize I am part of this existence, that I am in this one existence, and that everyone and everything is inherently of equal value as life- I realize fighting in the eons of time has led to no solutions - I realize the real fight is the one within myself, that I must stand up and stand infinitely- I realize that the costs of war is myself, am I willing to give myself up? no. - I realize that I must be practical always within everything I do, there is no backdoor, there is only this physical reality, and I have a limited amount of time on this planet- I realize I do not know when my time to die will be and so I should ask myself whether if I were to die now, whether I would be satisfied with how I am living now- I realize that I care about making this reality a place that cares for life, and so any excuses to fight or to resist or to create conflict is stupid, unless it serves a higher goal of creating a world that is best for all, it would be plain stupid - I realize words are a great strength in supporting me, and I can expand myself as far as i take myself within words- I realize words are me, I am not separate from words- I realize I create myself with my words- I realize that the energies I experience are me and the backchat I hear is me- I realize that if I deny the backchat and energies that would lead to suppression, instead I must face myself with forgiveness, honesty, and intimacy, and treat myself equal and one, as how I would want to be treated- I realize that there is no instruction manual on how to make my process, I must figure out for myself how to apply the tools that I have been given- That being said, I can utilize DIP Pro as a tool, to make my path a little easier-  I realize I am individually responsible for what I create with my life, I cannot blame no one at the end of my time on earth- I realize sometimes I must create conflict in order to wake people up- I realize there is nothing inherently wrong with conflict- I realize I must correct the separation that exists between myself and reality, and so must everyone else if we are to live together as equals in a world of maximum enjoyment and creation, with no needless pain that serves no purpose: starving to death, torture to gain a profit etc...

I commit myself to use conflict to support what is best for all.
I commit myself to use the breath as a check to see whether I am aware of what is inside of me.
I commit myself to see my true intentions behind things I do.
I commit myself to expand and grow in all parts in my life, according to my self-direction and consideration of what is a priority, which I check with self-honesty.
I commit myself to not go to any extremes but to walk my process in moderation, where I balance all areas of my life.
I commit myself to provide a sufficient enough investigation, within practicality, in an area in my life before I decide to either cut it out or to expand and grow within it.
I commit myself to test my self-honesty within making all decisions.
I commit myself to find my stable point before I embark in making an investigation/research into a decision, and while I make the actual decision.
I commit myself to make sure I am taken care of, because this body and this life is my responsibility, and I recognize it is no one else's. I recognize we each have to take self-responsibility for ourselves, because this is what is practical.
I commit myself to make sure I have taken care of myself before I go out and help another, because I would be useless if I try and help another while I am in need of support in some area.
I commit myself to recognize fully that I AM equal to another.
I commit myself to erase all inferiority within me to another. 
I commit myself to stick with what is practicle, what it is I can work with the will be a real lasting change or effect.


day78- I am evil

I have been having some internal conflict. I had expectations that the Desteni group would be very focused in on process. Absolutely dedicated, where each moment they live self-forgiveness, that they are trying very hard to be here in every breath, yet being easy on themselves, because it is not a force pressure or a contest, because your dealing with yourself here. If you are harsh within stopping the mind, you are harsh with yourself, which creates conflict. Instead you can be direct and clear with yourself, and simply be firm on your decision and stance of who you are. Obviously we can all be much more effective. Its not like the Desteni group is a select breed of humans, they are ordinary people who are consciously facing the consequences that we all as humanity have accepted and allowed to be perpetrated on Life as ourselves, i.e. humans, plants, animals, and the existence. I was worried of being an ego for saying this. However, I have made the decision to disregard that which ignores physical reality. So fear for instance disregards physical reality. So fear must stop. Fear that is physical that supports the physical would be acceptable. But it must be supportive for the physical. There is no point in including something that is destructive of the physical. Yet I recognize that destruction can support what is best for all. So the guiding principle is to learn how physical reality operates and do what is best for all within that, using anything that achieves this.
So what I am seeing is wanting for others to change before I change. We each must take self-responsibility. This is my responsibility, no one else can take it. Within that I take the responsibility for creating myself absolutely. I will individually investigate what is best for all, absolutely. I will reason and think critically based on the rules of this physical reality. I will test myself in self-honesty in every way. No matter what consequences may arise. Consequences are a gift. This reality is a gift. The mind is even a gift. Everything is here can be used, and perhaps must be used in order to realize who we are, that we overcome every point of acceptance and allowance both negative and positive within us that has led to this reality of pain. So that we learn once and for all, and we ingrain this in our very being this process we have walked, this history so that we never again dare to question the value of life, wondering if there is something more, wondering if I can get more, if I can feel more than the others, if I can enslave others, get them under me, to control them, manipulate them... because WE are ALL that EXISTS. Remember this.... WE are ALL that EXISTS We will remember the con that we have participated in willingly that we dared to have called life as an inferior spec of existence that there were some special and separate individualized piece existence in this universe that was somehow worth more than All of existence. Time to let go and start anew. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be separate from my physical body and this moment, which is all that really exists: this moment; here is where I can plan, where I can understand reality, where I can understand myself, and get to know me, and meet me, and see who I am, and live, and express, and apply myself in various ways, and learn, grow and expand, as well as communicate, share... Also, here is where the mind is, and where the physical is, and my beingness- who I am as the being that is here aware. I recognize that no separation is needed. What is needed is understanding, listening, and learning the history of who I am, the history of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, and how I have been creating this existence through acceptance and allowance. What I need is myself. I am the answer to my cries of help. I am the one who can correct the wrongs that I have been perpetuating. This firstly starts with being here, being aware of all that I am now.

When and as I see myself focusing on only one thing in my mind, I stop and I breathe- I realize that the physical reality is what is real and that to ignore this would be a vital mistake that I will regret. I realize that this physical reality is a gift, and that the mind only reflects who I am, that to fear the mind would be to fear myself. I realize that there is no use in crying or complaining. I must pick myself up and march towards the shit that has been accumulating slowly over time. I realize the process of clearing myself will probably take time- I also realize that as long as I always focus on living here and applying here, that time won't matter from a certain perspective, because I can only work with this moment here- I also realize that I must respect and make use of time as how I perceive it in days, weeks, months and years, so I can be effective in being consistent in how much I accomplish in a week or day, and also plan for the future. 

I commit myself to focus on the physical reality, and make this my starting point when engaging in any activity that may involve using the mind in some way, e.g. remembering places or events, making predictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not effectively planning my future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can only live in the moment with no regard with planning for future opportunities and setting goals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future, because I am in fact fearing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the future as separate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to make excuses for why I cannot plan for my future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work with the future because I believed it would require using the mind and I did not want to participate in the mind.

When and as I see myself requiring to plan for the future to some capacity- I stop and I breathe- I realize that planning does not have to require energy, nor energy patterns, nor though patterns, nor automatic thinking or backchat. I realize I can move and direct myself to plan as myself in awareness.

I commit myself to direct myself to plan when I planning would be supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not write the words "in awareness" because i believed this was indicative of mind possession of a new-ager, that it would completely invalidate anything I said.

From this last SF, is a point of appearance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a picture that is a false picture of who I really am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest (which is being dishonest to myself) in blogging, communication, writing, sharing, talking, speaking, using the written or spoken word in any way whatsoever.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid writing self-honest self-forgiveness because i believed that I was self-dishonest because I only felt good with writing self-forgiveness without changing, completely ignoring my history of change with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow regret to overcome me, and direct me into trying to change myself instantly, without real investigation into this point of regret to find the practical solution for this particular context where regret was manifesting.

I had borrowed the car from my father to go to the Dentist. He said i was ok. I went to pick up the keys at his home. He was sleeping and his dog greeted me. I later returned from the dentist. I went to put the keys back in his home. His dog greeted me again. I placed the keys back and quickly left. I went to my mom's house. I wanted to play a video game on my dad's tv. So I went. I told myself it was ok because I was practicing being here, and directing myself during the game. I did not notice the dog anywhere. In fact, when I first came to the house, i went the back way. I frantically turned the game on, trying to make the most of my time. I was very focused. Later my cousin came. I noticed I reacted to him coming. I did not want to play with him. I did not like his personality, it seems fake, like he is all positive now, but it seems fake. Later my cousin left. And soon after, the neighbor from next door came over. She said that my dad's dog got in her car, and she had unknowingly closed the door via an electronic button on her set of keys. She had been busying gardening. My dad's dog, always wanted attention. He was often left home alone. I would sometimes come over to play with him. Though I also could not take responsibility for caring for him for the whole day. There was a problem with the gate, which I told my father to fix. He said that he would do it. I reminded him again. I felt responsible for his death, and I blamed myself for not being more aware. I blamed myself for beign possessed by the video games. I completely ignored physical practicality. We can all die at any time. The physical death is surely unfortunate, though it is not the end of the world. The real death is what happens inside of us, the death of ourselves as life. I wanted to change instantly. I felt I had to. I felt I had no choice, otherwise who knows what more death or failures I would allow to happen. I did already have a savior complex which I was aware of, though was not resolved on account of not sure what is me, who am I that cares for life? I realize something about the savior complex, it involves ignoring physical reality, such as ignoring yourself here, and only focusing on others. We have to for a moment, focus on self here, and in another moment, focus on another. Though we always have to start with self, and check whether what we are participating is supporting what is best for all in all ways.
I also remember blaming my memory afterwards. My mom told me why I did not remember or realize that the dog was not there since he always greets whoever comes up. I thought I was losing my memory.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame video games for the dog's death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame memory for the dog's death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of standing as the principle of what is best for all in all ways, and what self-honesty I have realized within being here and playing a video game as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to beleive that stopping playign video games is a solution to possessions, it is not, because we have to change who we are within what we do, since nothing in this existence is inherently, evil, we humans live evil as a separation from this physical existence in equality and oneness with all that is here, which includes, among everything, video games and death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for his death, and use his death as an excuse to try and immediately correct myself in every way possible, even if that meant it would lead to my destruction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see everything that I am as evil, and must be stopped, including playing video games.
The physical is here. Even if humanity wipes itself out, all that would be lost would be an opportunity. Even if that were to happen, it does not have to define me. Death does not have to define me. My past does not have to define me. I can define me, through who I decide to be in this moment, as I have been doing every moment in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear-mongering within me, as the words "you are evil" or "I am evil."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am evil" within and as me.

When and as I am feeling hateful while thinking I am evil, I stop and I breathe- I realize there is no such thing as evil, all there is are humans who are acting from a point of self-interest which makes sense because no one has really stood as a support for them to realize who they really are, as life.

I commit myself to be a support for everyone, including me, by standing as life.


Friday, April 19, 2013

day77- People look at me


Reading over my last post I identified a charge.
People looking at me. I think they are judging me. I think what they could be thinking of me. I get worried, scared. I think I am dumb. I think I am ugly. I think I am a wierdo. I think I am nothing. I think I cannot do anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am dumb"
with nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am dumb" come up in response to when people are looking at me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am dumb" within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am ugly"
with fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am ugly"
with nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am ugly" come up in response to when people are looking at me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am ugly" within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am a wierdo"
with fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am a wierdo"
with nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am a weirdo" come up in response to when people are looking at me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am a weirdo" within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am a nothing"
with fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I am a nothing"
with nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am nothing" come up in response to when people are looking at me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I am nothing" within and as me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I cannot do anything"
with fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the words "I cannot do anything"
with nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I cannot do anything" come up in response to when people are looking at me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "I cannot do anything" within and as me.

When and as people are looking at me and I feel nervous - I stop and breathe- I realize I do not have to react within myself, that I am responsible for how I feel - I realize I will many times in my life be in a situation where people are looking at me, so its best to let go of this reaction, and take responsibility for having accepted and allowing it within me.

I commit myself to remain here, constant, and direct myself within situations where individuals are looking at me.
I commit myself to not ignore who I am.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Looking in a young woman's eyes day76

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I was walking to the cashier line. A young woman was in line waiting to pay for her food. She was looking at me. I looked back. For a moment we looked at each other. She then turned away. I built the expectation that she was now interested in me, because I showed interest in her. So I expected that she might look at me again. She was finishing paying her things, meaning that she would soon leave. I kept my face away, so as to not appear to be looking. I was looking out of the corner of my eye. I did not see anything that indicated that she looked. I felt nervous. I see a fear of loss, of trying to get a relationship and it not working out, and I am there standing alone looking like a loser.. A picture of myself looking sad standing in a dark space, I look moppy. A song places “Im a freak, Im a weirdo…”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that because the young woman was looking at me, that must mean she was interested in me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach the picture of the young woman in a wedding dress with church bells going off, and white flower petals flying in the air to the words “the young woman was looking at me”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the picture of the young woman in a wedding dress with church bells going off, and white flower petals flying in the air with the energy known as nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the picture of the young woman in a wedding dress with church bells going off, and white flower petals flying in the air with the energy known as love. 


When and as I see a young woman looking at me and I feel nervous/love as energy, I stop and I breathe – I realize that if a woman/someone looks at me that I can smile.

I commit myself to smile when I am looking into the eyes of a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I look at a young woman that it means that I am communicating sexual interest in her to her.

When and as I see a someone looking at me- I stop and I breath- I realize that someone staring right at you does not mean they are interested in sex or in a relationship with you, instead they are just looking at you- similarly, I realize, when I look at someone it does not mean I am saying I am interested in sex or a relationship with that person, even though the other person may think so, this is not what I am communicating, I am simply looking at another person.
 I commit myself to look at people in the eyes.
I commit myself to look at peoples faces.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing being the one that is asked to be in the relationship.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected when I communicate that I would like to form a relationship with another being (agreement).
I forgive myself
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a picture of myself looking sad standing in a dark space, and looking moppy, to seeing if a girl is interested in me, when it turns out she wasn’t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the picture of myself looking sad standing in a dark space, and looking moppy with nervousness.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the picture of myself looking sad standing in a dark space, and looking moppy to the song “Im a freak, Im a weirdo…”


~~~~~~~~~~~~
Word: Female
-sexy
 hot
-good looking
-a tease
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word  ‘sexy’ to the word Female.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘hot’ to the word Female.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words ‘good looking’ to the word ‘female’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words ‘a tease’ to the word female.  
 

Monday, April 15, 2013

Self-forgiveness day75

Pain
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate  myself from pain.
Low
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to another, such that I feel worse, "low."
"I Know"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say I know when I do not in fact know.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as knowing when i do not in fact know.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and suppress knowledge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from knowledge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and suppress myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and suppress emotions.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and suppress memories.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Problems with only studying the Behavior of others day74

So in general, the sciences always investigates things in separation of themselves. They consider that there is an out there separate from me, that what is out there is in separate from me. This is a mistake on parts of the sciences, because as anyone who has spent time with themselves alone, can see how much of what's inside is in outside in the world, in others too. Also, vic versa, much of what is outside of us is inside of us too. So its a huge error to assume that what is in this world is separate from oneself.
Ok, so that was one problem. Within Behaviorism, we can see this manifested specifically through looking at the behaviors of others and assuming that that is all there is. Like there is nothing more than the behavior. That behavior is all we are. Again, anyone who has ever spent time with themselves alone would know that we often hide things in our minds, secret intents, and that we also are sometimes directing ourselves, and that most of the time not so much. So there's more to behavior, which any behaviorist would know if they were to include their own experiences within such cases. Granted, many scientists are just as separated as the rest of us. Which is why we should not trust them anymore than we would anyone else. Its funny how we place faith in someone we don't know only because they are paid so much money and spent years learning about things you don't fully understand what is being communicated on. Aren't these reasons to not trust someone? Everything is in reverse. The truth must start within self-investigation, self-introspection. Spend time with yourself alone.
       I am noting for myself that when I am communicating with someone I perceive as holding power over me, that what they say can decide who I am, How I act, I feel nervous. I am thinking of teachers, as well as people evaluating my work. I can see that this is "my way" of approaching society, work in general. Its dysfunctional. Because when I get nervous, I am not here, I do not speak clearly, I speak quickly, I am not breathing, I cannot write clearly...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous when I am communicating with someone that I perceive to be holding power over me as an evaluator that decides my worth or value to the system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with nervousness when I am being evaluated for my work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am being forced into the situation of having to adjust myself in order to create a good work, instead of realizing I am the one deciding to participate in producing a good work, as seen by the evaluator.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge producing a work that is seen as good by the system or evaluator as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge evaulators and teachers as bad people, who force me to do things in order to survive or live another day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach work with nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself completely by the work I do, instead of both who I am in the work, and also who I am outside of the work, realizing that the work is not all that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself completely by this world where if this world were to fall apart I would fall apart.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my work, and not realize and understand how my work is an extension of who I am, and who I am is beyond this world, and not define by this world, so I am not determined according to the judgements and perceptions of individuals, but who I am is here, that the work is here, that everything of value is here, and is not really determined by how we perceive it, that only our perception is effected by how we choose to perceive things, that the thing itself is not actually effected, and that it is our collective acceptance and allowance that is creating this world of evaulating based on profit, and not on life itself.

When and as I speak, I first stop before I speak, breathe, see what it is that needs to be said and then speak slowly.
When and as I write, I first stop before I write, breathe, see what it is that needs to be communicated and then write slowly yet accurately.

I commit myself to continue forgiving the negative within me.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Exploring words for myself day73

WORDS

Today I watched the eqafe video by Anu about words: The Nature of Words - Reptilians - Part 183
I also spent some hours for writing a word, saying the word outloud, and then writing what came up and apply self-forgiveness, like so:
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 Word: Performance
-what if I don’t do well enough?
-I have to do better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘performance’ to the words ‘what if I don’t do well enough?’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘performance’ to the words ‘I have to do better.’
Word: last year
-its too long ago
-it doesn’t matter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words ‘last year’ to the words ‘its too long ago.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words ‘last year’ to the words ‘it doesn’t matter’

The above example was written when I was writing an email to a professor and I noticed I was compelled to write certain words. It felt like a rush to quickly write the word without me being aware of it, yet being aware that I was participating in energy. I found the process of writing the words and doing self-forgiveness, simple and easy to do. 

Some more examples:
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Word: able
-strong, powerful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘able’ to the words ‘strong and powerful.’
Word: strong
-invincible
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘strong’ to the word ‘invincible.’
Word: powerful
-merciless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘powerful’ to the word ‘merciless.’

In the above example, because I felt energy with the words strong and powerful, I also said these words out loud to see what came up.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Sudbury School day 72



Im taking a moment to write about Sudbury school because it represents to me an opportunity for us as humanity to correct the fuckup that we have allowed total and complete suppression of everyone, and it starts in childhood, with schools, and at home, and later on in the workplace, and also with friends. I am not a liberal minded person, I am person that cares for everyone period, even if you do not care about yourself, I care about you. Because I know we are each life, one and equal, and i know this because it is something you live and actually demonstrate. This is proof enough for me. Stand together with me, let's be strong together. 
Here's a recording of a live chat where I spoke with Anna and Marlen about the balance of freedom and responsibility.

The Sudbury School seems to be a reasonable alternative to other schools. There is a general branch of schools called free schools, that have varying differences. Sudbury is its own category. From the wikipedia page here are some facts. It opened in 1968 in Framingham, Massachusetts. There are thirty of these types of Sudbury schools around the world. They are only loosely associated. I would be essentially reiterating the wiki page so please take a moment and read it through.
As with everything, Im skeptical and if I am not, I suffer the consequences. So, from what I can tell sudbury is different from the other free schools. In general other free schools seem more liberally minded like they want to liberalize the kids. So I see this as a form of brainwashing, where the kid had no say in the matter. So I may be completely naive here, but I truly believe that kids are born innocent. They are candid. And when they are well loved by their parents and community, they love everyone else back. So after writing this, there's no doubt this is how the world operates. Children become the adults of today through suppression, not teaching, first suppression. They first have to suppress their beingness, who they are before they can accept the adult ways. Usually the word adult has a positive connotation, here I am using it with a negative connotation, because the adults of today allow for the mess we are in. If you gave kids power to decide everything, they would most likely do what is best for all, because they already know that that is what matters: people. Everyone knows this. I knew this, and i still knew this into college. The only problem humanity has had, at least in terms of children actually getting 'it' is the proper avenue to express themselves. Once you give the choice of what is best for all to kids, they will choose it. That is why the fundamental values of this system must change. In other words, the fundamental values of the adults of this world must change. What is interesting is that children are naturally responsible and also energetic. Adults should aspire to be who they were before they suppressed themselves. Candid, here, direct, honest, open, intimate, courageous, curious, exploratory, and more. Everything is known already. Everything we need to create a system of life is here already. The only piece missing is the human element. There is nothing special with the Desteni message, it is so utterly simplistic and yet people freak out because it would mean change, something inevitable. Desteni does not aspire to be great- it has a goal to accomplish and once that goal is done- Desteni has served its purpose and will not be required. Because we, humans, are the real value we have been seeking for in life. It is us, each one of us, including that which we have separated from the definition of us, the animals, the things we abuse daily, the air, the trees, the amazing fuckin trees that support you un-fucking-conditionally (if you react to the curse word sorry- I try to avoid cursing). Arrogance is futile, we are all equal. Nothing is new, nothing is special, it is all equal. Breathe.....
Join me @ forum.desteni.org
THANKS FOR READING!!!!! SEEE YOU NEXT TIME
-lets given a physical definition to love that does not fuck with life but includes all life as ourselves here.
(abive) is this my new slogan??? leave a comment below about this.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

I do not care about what others think of me day71


I am very confused. I do not like what I am feeling, or what I am participating in. But I am doing it anyway. Why?
I feel like there is something inherently wrong with me. That I cannot do anything.
I question whether I am just playing the victim.
Am I?
Why would I accept and allow this, why would I accept and allow such a hell for myself?
There is something that I believed I could not do on my own- and I asked the mind for help. Now within participating with a group I am living this statement, however I have always existed in a group, everyone does; we all effect each other in every moment.
I feel like I may just be ranting to get attention. Is this true?
Do I just want attention from people, where I generate energy from attention and feel good? Within me I am feeling a response- energy building up and it feels pleasant- so I interpret this as a clear Yes.
SO what now?
SO obviously if I just run away, and If I were to come back I would still have the same reaction. I choose to stay, and I choose to forgive and end the reaction, and then really live and live my words.
I remember my grandma saying that I shaved my head just to get attention. I reacted to this possibility and I though t I was evil for shaving my head just to get attention. I felt conflicted because I did shave my head to get attention for the EMC, however, within writing this out I see I was not getting attention for myself but for EMC. So I made a big deal about getting attention for no reason.
I also had questioned my ex-girlfriend the night we broke up to get a reason about why she wanted to break up- so that if it were some real evil shit- she would be able to at least see it- otherwise she would continue in the same cycle with future relationship- I warned her of this too, that unless she understood why this relationship did not work out- then she would have to learn the hard way. I had judged what I was doing as a possession of the mind, when clearly it was not so. So I also was making a big deal out of nothing.
Now I am wondering if I am lying because I did not look deeper into the night that I broke up with my girlfriend to remember my exact words that I told her. I realize however that what matters for right now is the intent of what I was communicating. Yes there may be different ways to communicate, however in honest truth if a person really wants to listen to you, they will find a way, or ask a question for clarification, any and all miscommunication between couples where they fight and stuff is because of the mind- they themselves- wanting to be the victorious, the winner, the ego! Time to take energy out of competition. The real winner would be the one that makes sure everyone wins equally.
This last statement reminds me of when I was playing pool last night with my friend and how in the second game we played, where I won the first game, I had the opportunity to get a significant advantage, instead of just trying to go for the win, I chose the shot that would evenly distribute the balls since they were in the middle. I later thought that I was being an ego. And I became depressed and started doing poorly in the game for not being here. At that point I started letting losing the game effect me. I think what this shows for me, that anything, absolutely positively anything that is not here and not the honest truth is of the mind, will lead to possession. This truth cannot be the truth of what is true as what is really how things are versus what you perceive. It is the truth of self- what do you perceive, what do you know, and nowwww what do you did with your situation and with what you know? If you disregard yourself, which I have directly been experiencing for the past months since September, you will be officially at war with yourself. You are either with yourself or you are against yourself. So choose yourself. Choose the truth that is you. This is what it really means to be Self-Honest. Learn about everything, be open minded, face every situation both in your imagination and in your reality, be practical, don’t be stupid, use commonsense, don’t betray yourself because you think you might be evil, go out and actually find out whether you are evil, with the most stringent of tests possible, and be self-honest whether from what you know you can conclusively draw an infallible conclusion. Consider always, how can I be wrong, and you will find the truth.
Now I was going to go ahead and post this online. I thought that I was being lazy for not writing more and for not writing SF. I see I feel excited within sharing this post online.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Suicide Character day70

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So here, I will be taking on a "new" point. The last two blog posts will be continue to be developed as part of a DIP assignment and will eventually be posted again, but with more deeper insight into the situation (me). 

Ok- so the suicide character. 
I give up, I don't want to live anymore; Life is too hard; why me? God oh why!?
Feeling apathetic, emptiness, low energy.
A craving for excitement, feelings, something to fill the gap the emptiness that oneself has created through acceptance and allowance of fear. 
I made fear into a big deal, a big thing. When its just fear. Its no more than another reaction. The fact that for thousands of years man has been controlled and manipulated by fear is quite startling when considering that it originates within SELF. We are the ones that feel fear. There is no one that is inserting fear within you. It is all in the mind. 
I feared changing and becoming responsible for all/this existence.

Behaviorally, I noticed I laid in bed, and never wanted to get up, a term for this is hypersomnia. I lost appetite. My breathing was often shallow. I felt nervous whenever I thought of my work.

Solutions: Breathing fully, moving with breath. Moving myself to do what is best for all, which include all that I am immediately responsible for, that which I can affect. Taking Self-responsibility for the mind, the backchat, the imaginations, pictures, everything and anything of the mind. Then applying self-forgiveness...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "i give up" within and as me to define me as the suicide character where I avoid challenges to my self-concept as capable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat "Life is too hard" within and as me to define me as the suicide character that hides from the challenges of Life instead of preparing oneself to face the challenges in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling of emptiness within me- i realize what I am experiencing is in fact energy and is not a real emptiness. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing low energy, which I can immediately correct by breathing and directing myself to face the next challenge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a craving for excitement within and as me, where I started using the excuses of low energy, "i give up," "Life is hard," to then think I need to have more fun and gather more energy, so I started doing things to make myself feel good, pretending that this was "taking care" of me and supporting me- instead of actually supporting myself to face my insecurities and correct myself and fulfill my responsibility to myself and everyone as life. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing and becoming responsible for all/this existence, because that would mean that I would make every minute of my day count, that I would have to be dedicated to supporting everyone with my time and not just chase after my selfish desires, but must consider all within everything I do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make fear bigger than what it actually is, an excuse.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lay in bed when I should be getting up and starting the day and making good use of my time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose my appetite for food.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a shallow breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with nervousness to my work instead of working with what needs to get done here.