“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Day 129- The fear and desire of receiving attention on my blog

The fear and desire of receiving attention on my blog.
I feel fear and desire when I write on my blog, because I know or have seen in the past that people read, see, or visit my blog. Within a moment of seeing the statistics of the number of views on my blog posts, I feel excited and energetic. I feel happy, thrilled and enthused to see this. Within the moment of writing on my blog, I feel tired, resistance, fear, stressed, that I just don’t want to do this THOUGHT. I feel like running away and avoiding writing on my blog at all costs.

So I stop and I breathe
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel fear when I write a blog post that will go on my blog, A Behaviorist’s Journey to Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel desire when I write a blog post that will go on my blog, A Behaviorist’s Journey to Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to receiving attention from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear when I receive attention from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear when I write on my blog because I know that people will read it, and thus I generate energy within the knowing that people are “Aware” of me and thus giving me attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel validated when I receive attention from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not receiving or losing validation from people who read my blogs and give me attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear receiving criticism from people who read my blogs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire validation from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire validation because of how I feel when I believe I am validated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel enthused, and thrilled when I believe I am validated.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention from people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention from people because of how I feel when receiving attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy and complete when I receive attention from people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention from people because I desire to control the lives of other people through my words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have control of this reality, and myself, through having control of the lives of other people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control the lives of other people through influencing them and controlling them through my written and spoken word.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel validated and secured when I believe I am influencing other people through my written and spoken words, and thus believing I am in control of them.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was seeking my own validation and security of myself through attempting to control others around me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that because of my insecurity and my position/stance within myself of being invalidated, that I was seeking security and validation outside of me through attempting to control the world around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from this world, through attempting to control it, by accepting and allowing the separation from security as myself and validation as myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give myself security and validation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself abusing the gift of  validation and security.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire, want, and need validation as an experience in separation from myself, instead of living validation as an act of expression, self-directed in a moment, with no energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself by accepting and allowing energy within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself, and even energy, by accepting and allowing energy within and as myself when I write on my blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like running away when I write on my blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing any resistance within and as myself when I am writing on my blog.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control, and to feel high when I believe I am “in control”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear energy possessing me, and not being “in control.”
When and as I feel good while writing on my blog- I stop and I breathe- I realize that energy will only continue to exist while I participate in it, so I should focus on my task and moving myself – I realize that by moving me, I am already stopping participation in energy, since energy requires my participation and “lack of movement” by being absent from the physical and being complete attentive to the energy and mind thoughts- I realize through participating in thinking I am generating energy and thus the feel good experience- I realize that by focusing on the physical movement I am not participating in energy – I realize that energy only lasts so long, so by stop participation in the thoughts, the energy will die out- I realize that by standing in being steadfast, that the energy will run out- I realize that by breathing and being here, the energy of feeling good will stop- I realize that the physical has nothing to do with energy- I realize that real physical living has nothing to do with energy- I realize that energy is completely dependent on my absence from the physical – I realize that I hold the key to the existence of energy, and the existence of myself with and as the physical- I realize that through not being here with and as the physical, I compromise my expression of myself as words, and so my blog writing, which impacts whether individuals reading my blog do receive support in facing energy as well – I realize that who I am does have an effect on others, through whether I do or do not stand within and as energy or within and as the physical- I realize that if I stand within the position of supporting myself by stopping participation within and as energy, I am assisting and supporting others to walk the same support with themselves through my written word on this blog serving as an example- I realize that it is not what I write, but who I am within what I write, so that is not to say that I can write anything, instead it means according to who I am, I will write certain things, so it starts with who I am, and so that is my focus- I realize whether other people will read my blog is unimportant- I realize whether no one listens it is unimportant- I realize it is important the words of my blog are here online, available to all, so that the support is here and I have done my part- I realize that I did not reach this point alone, that I reached this point of supporting myself because of what was already walked by others, and shared by them online- I realize it is both for me and others that I write my blogs, so I hold a responsibility to myself and others to write these blogs in a supportive manner- I realize that there is no faking self-support, that I must actually walk the support self-honestly for myself- I realize that there is no faking process for others, since process is for yourself- I realize I must be the starting point of my process- I realize I must take responsibility of my starting point within process- I realize there is no faking process – I realize what I walk in process is for myself, and I will benefit- I realize the fact that others benefit, is in addition to me benefiting myself, since I am gifting myself process, and others can see, realize and understand what process is by reading my blog.

I commit myself to set aside time to write on my blog each day.
I commit myself to post each day, even if the blog is incomplete, however to have at least some self-forgiveness.

No comments:

Post a Comment