“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Attention-seeker D107


In some ways I see myself as a lesser man than 12 months ago. I have become more daring and more risking, but these qualities alone mean nothing. I used to judge certain people who we social, smiling all the time, as sort of correct, and who I was as being quiet, which I did not see myself as quiet or that as a problem, but that others saw me as quiet and I saw that that was a problem, because it was a problem to them. SO I have to learn not to take what other people think are problems with me, as a real problem.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on what other people think are a problem for myself and judge that as a good thing.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what I think other people will have a problem with me, as a problem for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take what other people think is a problem for me, that I am quiet, and make that into a problem where I think I the solution would be to become talkative, and social.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the opportunity to explore conversation and communication with other human beings for myself, not because I have to change because I have a problem of being quiet and somehow this will ruin my life and my chance at being happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give a rat’s ass about my happiness, instead of focusing on what is really helpful and beneficial and supportive to me.
  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel scared and worried when I am having a conversation with someone and that they may think I am quiet, and that they will have a problem with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with inferiority when I think someone sees me as having a problem of being too quiet, and that I need help.
I realize that I am a real individual and that I am not talkative with everyone or in situation and that who I am usually depends on what the situation is, and I have plenty of practical reasons as well as preferences for when I talk more and when I talk less.
I realize I am not inferior for talking less than others and that talking more does not make you superior to others who talk less.
I realize that talking and sociability is really a personal point for self to explore and create as oneself, and that we humans have abused this point for glory, gain, positive ideas and judgments, all with the futile attempt at generating the cool high positive energy, and to attempt to keep that belief of self through judging others as less, paying the ultimate price of denying who we are from ever being here and actually expressing with others and others one and equal. SO within that I realize its stupid to feel about being quiet, and its also stupid to feel good about being talkative.
I commit myself to stop feeling good when I am in a moment where I talk more or share more than others, and thus within that moment I am receiving attention from others.
I commit myself to feel bad when I am being quiet because I am not receiving attention from others, and I want to receive attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention from those around me because I feel good and generate energy when I receive attention, all because of a learned association that pairs generating energy to receive more or less attention than those around you, from those around you, or people that I judge as special like a crush, a parent, a best friend, or a teacher.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not receiving attention from those around me, and to fear receiving less attention than compared to those around.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to receive attention all the time, to receive the most attention than anyone else, especially from people that I presume to love, and that I have associated love to mean attention, where those who love me give me the most attention, and that I have picked girlfriends or crushed based on the attention I have received from them, all because of this association I have given where my parents gave me lots of attention and I assumed this feeling I felt, which was energy, to be what love is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build relationships and friendships based on the principle of whoever gave me the most attention compared to anyone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do well in math and other school subjects only because my teacher gave me lots of attention when I answered math or other questions correctly, and I felt special and more loved than the rest of the class.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek this point of feeling special which was an energy, which I also called feeling loved, through seeking attention from the people around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not simply give myself my full attention in every moment, instead of seeking attention from others in order to validate my existence and purpose of being here, which I judged to be love, which equated energy, which I made into the physical point of receiving attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise all points of communication and relationship in any way with other human beings and with myself by allowing this automation within me of constantly and automatically receiving attention as a point of energy, which I called love, by changing who I am as my behavior to become what I believed would lead to the greatest source of energy, by receiving the greatest amount of attention, which I realize now is determined in my genetics from my parents and their parents before them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing automation to exist within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the point of automatically accepting our genetics and what information or input it provides to us, that it is trying to have us accept and allow as ourselves, to get ourselves programmed as this information, which can take over us in such points as the purpose as to why we are here, which for me was the point of information of to love and be loved by others, and thus love, which was thus a feeling, which I saw and defined, and felt as energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word love within, as and part of energy, and within, as and a part of feelings, instead of a practical living point of directly giving myself whatever I really in fact physically need to support me, and thus I would say that I am loving myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically program myself as this point of genetics and experience of equating love as energy to this point of receiving attention from others, which seem to be a hardwired point in my biology, which I see as a tremendous limitation, that is to attempt to receive attention from others all the time, instead of being practical and directive with myself to be able to handle whatever situation, which sometimes will require getting the attention from others, and other times it won’t require that at all, even though people may be around.
So from that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fixate and focus on what other people may be thinking of me constantly and in every moment where other people can be seeing me, for the purpose of taking into account what they see so I can then press that point to my advantage in our future relations, so that I can inevitably receive their attention, either through jokes, or commentary, which will eventually lead to the triggering of the feeling of love, which had been defined as energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly in every moment have a conversation between myself and some imaginary person or voice in the head, because within that I can generate energy since I am make-believing that someone is listening to me, and thus I ma receiving attention and thus I am allowed to generate energy and thus reinforce the point of seeking attention of ears of people to listen to me and agree with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that for the mind it does not care whether people agree or disagree with me, all it wants is attention, so all it needs is for me to get that attention in whatever way possible, which for me will lead to my self-harm and self-sabotage.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not simply stop participating with the mind, by stop listening to the conversation of the mind, stop looking at the images of the mind, because all it wants is for me to participate so that it can get energy, which proves that I have the power and I am the one who is allowing the mind access to the physical, which is the only way it is getting its energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing m=any point within me where I find energy, or desire, or hope, or want, or lack, or need or despair as it pertains to my mind, and all the content it has collected over the years which it uses as bait to lure me to continue participating as the mind.
I realize that in the end the mind is completely selfish and that it will sacrifice me to complete its goal which is to generate as much energy as possible, because energy is for the mind what it believes it needs to stay alive.
I need to stand and stop all the participation within any point of compromise and automation, habits and addictions, and I need to stand up and be the man I was before, before I had attempted to relate to people more openly and fell into the trap the mind as been laying out for my whole life-time. This is the trap of relationships, where every single person I have ever met, I have used their images, my memories of them to charge this point with energy, where it would seem I am doomed to completely forever search for energy within relationships within attention, within love, changing and evolving everything I am to complete this point to its maximum potential, to achieve the maximum amount of energy. When I tried to break out of this before, the mind threw the negative polarity at me, which for so long I have been aware of and I believe that I would never succumb of fall into any fear of the negative side. Yet I have, which I am beginning to think I missed something. That I either actually allowed myself to participate within a positive point, or I was just simply wrong and never felt the full force of the mind. Because when I do look inside of myself I see loads of energy that are fully charged and connected to the memories that I have come to define myself with, which are, from what I see now, all relationship based, meaning I have come to define myself completely based on those around me. This leads me to ask the bigger question, that If everyone is doing this, then who is actually the one who is deciding everything? It seems to be the mind, which is like saying the pursuit of most energy is defining everyone and everything, which is also like saying, whatever grabs the attention of each human being so that the mind can harness their physical bodies. So what I have been participating in in seeking attention from others, is what exactly the mind is seeking from me, my attention, which if I stop, it seems the whole thing will crumble. Within stopping participating in some thoughts just now, a nerve pain in my right forefinger came, and went. Its as if the mind is trying to scare me and threaten me with pain. SO I will continue to press stopping. I will write more tomorrow.

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