“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Problems with only studying the Behavior of others day74

So in general, the sciences always investigates things in separation of themselves. They consider that there is an out there separate from me, that what is out there is in separate from me. This is a mistake on parts of the sciences, because as anyone who has spent time with themselves alone, can see how much of what's inside is in outside in the world, in others too. Also, vic versa, much of what is outside of us is inside of us too. So its a huge error to assume that what is in this world is separate from oneself.
Ok, so that was one problem. Within Behaviorism, we can see this manifested specifically through looking at the behaviors of others and assuming that that is all there is. Like there is nothing more than the behavior. That behavior is all we are. Again, anyone who has ever spent time with themselves alone would know that we often hide things in our minds, secret intents, and that we also are sometimes directing ourselves, and that most of the time not so much. So there's more to behavior, which any behaviorist would know if they were to include their own experiences within such cases. Granted, many scientists are just as separated as the rest of us. Which is why we should not trust them anymore than we would anyone else. Its funny how we place faith in someone we don't know only because they are paid so much money and spent years learning about things you don't fully understand what is being communicated on. Aren't these reasons to not trust someone? Everything is in reverse. The truth must start within self-investigation, self-introspection. Spend time with yourself alone.
       I am noting for myself that when I am communicating with someone I perceive as holding power over me, that what they say can decide who I am, How I act, I feel nervous. I am thinking of teachers, as well as people evaluating my work. I can see that this is "my way" of approaching society, work in general. Its dysfunctional. Because when I get nervous, I am not here, I do not speak clearly, I speak quickly, I am not breathing, I cannot write clearly...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous when I am communicating with someone that I perceive to be holding power over me as an evaluator that decides my worth or value to the system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with nervousness when I am being evaluated for my work
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am being forced into the situation of having to adjust myself in order to create a good work, instead of realizing I am the one deciding to participate in producing a good work, as seen by the evaluator.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge producing a work that is seen as good by the system or evaluator as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge evaulators and teachers as bad people, who force me to do things in order to survive or live another day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach work with nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself completely by the work I do, instead of both who I am in the work, and also who I am outside of the work, realizing that the work is not all that I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself completely by this world where if this world were to fall apart I would fall apart.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my work, and not realize and understand how my work is an extension of who I am, and who I am is beyond this world, and not define by this world, so I am not determined according to the judgements and perceptions of individuals, but who I am is here, that the work is here, that everything of value is here, and is not really determined by how we perceive it, that only our perception is effected by how we choose to perceive things, that the thing itself is not actually effected, and that it is our collective acceptance and allowance that is creating this world of evaulating based on profit, and not on life itself.

When and as I speak, I first stop before I speak, breathe, see what it is that needs to be said and then speak slowly.
When and as I write, I first stop before I write, breathe, see what it is that needs to be communicated and then write slowly yet accurately.

I commit myself to continue forgiving the negative within me.

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