I am very confused. I do not like what I am feeling, or what I am participating in. But I am doing it anyway. Why?
I feel like there is something inherently wrong with me. That I cannot do anything.
I question whether I am just playing the victim.
Why would I accept and allow this, why would I accept and allow such a hell for myself?
There is something that I believed I could not do on my own- and I asked the mind for help. Now within participating with a group I am living this statement, however I have always existed in a group, everyone does; we all effect each other in every moment.
I feel like I may just be ranting to get attention. Is this true?
Do I just want attention from people, where I generate energy from attention and feel good? Within me I am feeling a response- energy building up and it feels pleasant- so I interpret this as a clear Yes.
SO what now?
SO obviously if I just run away, and If I were to come back I would still have the same reaction. I choose to stay, and I choose to forgive and end the reaction, and then really live and live my words.
I remember my grandma saying that I shaved my head just to get attention. I reacted to this possibility and I though t I was evil for shaving my head just to get attention. I felt conflicted because I did shave my head to get attention for the EMC, however, within writing this out I see I was not getting attention for myself but for EMC. So I made a big deal about getting attention for no reason.
I also had questioned my ex-girlfriend the night we broke up to get a reason about why she wanted to break up- so that if it were some real evil shit- she would be able to at least see it- otherwise she would continue in the same cycle with future relationship- I warned her of this too, that unless she understood why this relationship did not work out- then she would have to learn the hard way. I had judged what I was doing as a possession of the mind, when clearly it was not so. So I also was making a big deal out of nothing.
Now I am wondering if I am lying because I did not look deeper into the night that I broke up with my girlfriend to remember my exact words that I told her. I realize however that what matters for right now is the intent of what I was communicating. Yes there may be different ways to communicate, however in honest truth if a person really wants to listen to you, they will find a way, or ask a question for clarification, any and all miscommunication between couples where they fight and stuff is because of the mind- they themselves- wanting to be the victorious, the winner, the ego! Time to take energy out of competition. The real winner would be the one that makes sure everyone wins equally.
This last statement reminds me of when I was playing pool last night with my friend and how in the second game we played, where I won the first game, I had the opportunity to get a significant advantage, instead of just trying to go for the win, I chose the shot that would evenly distribute the balls since they were in the middle. I later thought that I was being an ego. And I became depressed and started doing poorly in the game for not being here. At that point I started letting losing the game effect me. I think what this shows for me, that anything, absolutely positively anything that is not here and not the honest truth is of the mind, will lead to possession. This truth cannot be the truth of what is true as what is really how things are versus what you perceive. It is the truth of self- what do you perceive, what do you know, and nowwww what do you did with your situation and with what you know? If you disregard yourself, which I have directly been experiencing for the past months since September, you will be officially at war with yourself. You are either with yourself or you are against yourself. So choose yourself. Choose the truth that is you. This is what it really means to be Self-Honest. Learn about everything, be open minded, face every situation both in your imagination and in your reality, be practical, don’t be stupid, use commonsense, don’t betray yourself because you think you might be evil, go out and actually find out whether you are evil, with the most stringent of tests possible, and be self-honest whether from what you know you can conclusively draw an infallible conclusion. Consider always, how can I be wrong, and you will find the truth.
Now I was going to go ahead and post this online. I thought that I was being lazy for not writing more and for not writing SF. I see I feel excited within sharing this post online.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel excited when I am sharing myself with others online or offline, instead of just sharing myself unconditionally with another where the space and the opportunity is appropriate to do so. I realize that I have held a “great” desire to speak and share myself with others, for in my mind this was something I desired yet believed I was deprived of the opportunity to do so, because I feared rejection, I feared losing the opportunity to speak, so I did not speak.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel happy when I share myself in words with another, instead of standing within the clarity of myself expressing what it is I am directing myself to express directly with the being that is here with me.
I also am realizing that I have the fear of not being perfect: the fear of imperfection. While I was writing this last SF statement I had this feeling that: what if I am not writing exactly what it is that I would want to write, that if I were to slow down I could write exactly what it is that I want to write, that I can make it perfect. What I notice I do, however, in this fear is not slow down, but completely erase statements I made, hardly write at all, make very simplistic statements, as well as give up, not write, or feel frustrated and never communicate with the person I wanted to communicate with. Within this I face then regret when I do not communicate where I could have communicated. So it becomes a spiraling effect, where I dare not even go into the memories that would assist me to see what is the start of the pattern and what are the bits and pieces of the pattern. I never start to write. That also was something that was prevalent during these months since September, I stopped writing. I sorta pretended to write, though this was self-dishonest- and I knew it was, I just felt too afraid and the thoughts kept repeating over and over, that I can’t do anything, it’s too much, what the use, I need to just take a break, and I need this, I need that… What I needed was myself to care. I made a statement that I had for many times prevented myself from making, but I finally made it: I do not care. I had considered such a statement as never an applicable statement to make in existence, because everything is important, there is nothing that has no value, everything Is of equal value, even the abusers and haters, because guess what we are all abusers and haters, we have all been there. So I made this statement. I do not care. I felt relieved, I thought I was enlightened. Nothing bothered, me, I “felt” nothing. What I really felt was apathy. Maybe all of our gurus and enlightened ones are actually apathetic, which would classify as a mental disorder for some clinical psychologists. That would be cool to expose using scientific instrumentations, if it’s possible. I wanted to do such a scale, to measure destonians on responses to questions designed to assess what it is that makes them different, as in how they are living, their principle, and then compare that with the rest of the populations. It would serve many purposes, I could foresee. Who really cares for life? Is not being destonian-like related to more evil? Or maybe destonians would be willing to actually report the evil within them, while the rest would hide it and suppress it hoping it won’t reach the light of day, which will get revealed only at death. I suppose to die is to speak the truth of oneself like I am doing in this blog. This blog should be for that, for expressing myself unconditionally, who I really am, where I hide nothing, where I can be real.
From what I wrote in my blog, I have a huge problem with having an ego, I do not want one. I fear having one, I also am not clear on what it means to have an ego. What does it mean to have an ego? This was a word I never clearly understood as a child. I remember hearing it for the first time at like age maybe 10, and I could not understand it from the context- maybe someone who wants to win. Later again I heard it in a context- maybe feeling good with winning? Then I question whether it is wrong to feel good? I get all confused. Honestly, I don’t give a rat’s ass if I am an ego, All I care about is what is best for all, period. Whether that is ego or not, I don’t care. Cool, I realized there is a point where it’s cool to not care about what others “think” you are. Because you know who you are, which is the most important thing in life I think; to know yourself. I mean why would you really care about whether another person knows who you are, and that has to match up with what they think is good. What matters is whether you are actually good or not. And whether you are actually evil. That is what is important to really know for sure. To dare yourself to really know for sure, to find the unequivocal evidence, what is good, what is bad, instead of basing either in fear or desire, find the hard fact, find the right tools for assessing it. For any new reader on the blog, I suggest the tool to be used: what is best for all, one and equal, where you consider all parts, all relationships, and you see where you are placing ego before what is best for all. I realized just now that ego means self. Ok that’s cool. So I will care for all the egos equally. LOL. So that we all stand up and realize we are all equally capable of caring for all. The first step may be the hardest because it looks like no one else is willing to do it, but remember your motivation, remember what it is you care about- it may be just an experience I am here and I care. Whatever is the statement that is you that you choose to live because you know it’s not really a choice because the alternative would be war. I am speaking here to motivate you, reader. I hope you stand with me, within caring for all as one and equal.