“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Monday, March 25, 2013

day62-I don't want to live. Retribution.


I don't want to live. I feel happy.
So here's what came from my mind.
So these words came up when I was giving myself the opportunity to see what is going on inside my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the words 'I don't want to live' within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the words 'I feel happy' within and as me.
I do not need to be thinking I feel happy- If I was truly living, being here and expressing myself I would not need to be telling myself that I feel happy. This was a reaction.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat as 'I don't want to live' to be connected to the backchat 'I feel happy.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the feeling I call 'high' to the backchat 'I feel happy.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling experience known as high within and as me. 

When and as I am feeling 'high' I stop and I breathe and get back into the physical.
I commit myself to not listen to the backchat 'I don't want to live' anymore.
I commit myself to not listen to the backchat 'I feel happy' anymore.

If I believe I need to tell myself I am happy, then this implies I really feel not happy, that I am not content, that I am either sad, frustrated, scared, or angry/upset. These past months have been difficult for me. I have definitely not been satisfied with my work. But I sorta gave up. It felt too much, it felt like I could not go on like this, that it had to stop. I thought it was unfair, that I did not deserve what was happening to me. That I was innocent within all of this. I thought I needed help outside of me, I thought I needed something, some guidance, answer, a feeling like I knew what to do. That was where I turned to confidence and masking myself- because I associated feeling like I knew to actually knowing. I don't know what to do -feeling high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the words 'I don't know what to do' within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the backchat ' I don't know what to do' to be connected to the feeling I call 'high.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling experience called high within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mask myself with a feeling called confidence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling experience called confidence within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate feeling confident to a knowledge or belief of self-honesty.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remember that I am the one I have been waiting for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to claim innocence when I have clearly applied tools that can support me to stand up, yet I did not apply these techniques/tools, such as breathing, when I needed to most, instead I sought answers that would not lead to me taking responsibility.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that who I am, how I react and my experience are my complete and total responsibility and that it is my creation that have accepted and allowed to be created as the mind throughout my life- I was there when each and every thought surfaced and I accepted and allowed it- I was there when every single feeling and emotion was churning inside me- I could have stopped allowing/participating in it but I didn't.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and thus accept and allow the mind to have dominion over the physical/my-gift/opportunity of life.

I commit myself to my work, again.
I commit myself to myself, again.
I commit myself to sorting out the mess that is myself.
I commit myself to use every tool at my disposal- to really go head-first into the mind with everything I got.

The list of tools include:
the principle of oneness and equality
Self-honesty
Self-forgiveness
Self-responsibility
Self-trust
and Breathing.

Heading into the otherside.....  

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