day58- Update- supporting myself

I had for a while in my life fantasize about meeting a group of people/friends that would accept me. I also imagined having a relationship partner and a best friend as well. However, I see I have made these several points as compromises to who I am, because I have charged these points with energy, so that I become overwhelmed by these points. I also notice I enter into points of contests/ego with friends, with these people who would accept me. I saw it as something normal or to be expected, an idea I built and reinforced  with  my observations and constant thoughts, imaginations and playouts in my minds. This has lead to a great compromise in who I am and in my living. The nature of who I am is to seek consolence, and so be weak within that. All these years I have built up strength and skill. Who I am is in reverse. Inside I seek to do nothing, be nothing, and let others do all the work. This is ego and self-interest, the exact evil that creates the world. I am just like everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start from the starting of ego and self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start from the starting point of ME ME ME, in isolation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am special and deserving of special treatment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe as long as others accept me, I can die happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe as long as others accept me, I don’t have to care.

I commit myself to change who I am into what is best for all.

I notice while I was commenting on Quora, I felt angry. I wanted to show the Quorans what they were missing. I thought that I could dispel them. I wanted to say something to change their minds, to realize they made a grave mistake in how they approach the information on the Desteni and Equal Money site. However, it was like they were arguing for their own limitations. They had chosen a starting point and wanted to see that starting point validated. They did not consider there could be another way. This is something that I enjoyed frequently to apply. Seeing how things could be differently. How could the other side be right or wrong. In this was a small desire to defend others that were prosecuted or belittled or bullied (forget it, it was a large desire- lol). Im not sure whether desires are all that bad. I mean, I desire what is best for all. When I was younger, I saw desires as unhelpful when they possessed you and you ended up doing something you regretted later (whether years or minutes, it’s the same- you face regret). SO that’s why its good to be strong and to not fall into temptation, you create a better life/situation for yourself- and you are able to do many things, include invest in yourself and complete long term goals. But most of all I enjoy it! I enjoy looking into the future and seeing the various playout, asking, what will happen if I do this? How can I create the best result? How can I bring this about? It was fun. I lived in a partly future/here situation of living by statements of right/wrong, judging others for doing certain things, yet within an understanding they did not know what they were doing, otherwise they would not do it (admittedly this is naïve and perhaps everyone knows what they are doing). I wanted to believe somewhere people were good and kind underneath it all. However I am beginning to realize, especially after this Quora incident- that people are at the moment- for lack of a better term, are evil. Even my own words I can see some evil stuck in there. Ok, so we have to change. Simple. Change. We have to. Change. Otherwise we remain evil.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as some little child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am here, a being like any other being, and that I can express in different ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge certain expressions as somehow better or more than other expressions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am inherently evil or good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as good or evil, when in fact I am making decisions with the intention for certain outcomes, which could be best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that everyone has their own definition of good and evil, and this is independent from whether they themselves actually do what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to not trust a man by his words, but by his consistently applied actions, both visible and invisible.   

I commit myself to stop judgments that do not support life.

I commit myself to support life and myself in my actions, deeds, behaviors and living.

I commit myself to speak self-honestly the truth of who we are when the moment presents itself.

I commit myself to finish my homework on time.

I commit myself to sleep early and wakeup early

I commit myself to work well and enjoy my work.

I commit myself to not over indulge in video games, tv shows, or other media.

I commit myself to be diligent and focused in my thesis.