“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Day 20- My Name, a Program of Fear/Reward

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Innocence
 My name, Yogan.
So a point opened just now where my name Yogan, was used in a particular context, and I saw myself feeling scared. I was like dead afraid I would toe out of line. This is obviously from my early years where as a child your told not to do something or something you did was wrong, all the while not realizing it has nothing to do with punishment but correction. Punishment however is used by parents and others to teach children to not do something. Now, HOW CAN YOU EXPECT CHILDREN NOT TO REALIZE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PUNISHMENT BUT PHYSICAL CORRECTION IF YOU ARE SHOUTING, BEING ANGRY, AND ABUSIVE AND PUNISHING? Parents then are obviously not properly trained to have children, so suggest don’t have kids until you sort yourself out first. You can start with this simple point being discussed here.
            So I was afraid in this context, which fear, commonsense, is not cool. Why am I afraid? Again, this comes from childhood, a particular experience which formed a memory which left an imprint. This imprint is such that I react in fear when I hear someone asking me: Yogan, what have you been doing? This is a memory where I was enjoying myself in a point and a parent/guardian asked me what I was doing. I however saw they were afraid and upset. So I become afraid and upset. I did not understand that I did not understand. The innocence of children needs to be understood by all, so we do not rape children with our own fears, imprinting into themselves to then form personalities, like the one I am opening in this blog. 

            Looking at one dimension of this name point, I am behaviorally trying to run, hide, leave, get away, as if I did something wrong. Which commonsense, wrong/bad/good/right does not exist. Look at children do they know they do good/bad once they are born? No they are taught it. They are taught through punishment and reward. By parents and by everyone who uses punishment and reward on themselves and tries to teach it to others.
            Behaviorally then I am simply a reaction, unconscious and unaware of commonsense. In this way I have never left childhood. I am still undeveloped and frozen in time. Which is why I implore or suggest strongly, all write out themselves, which is the first step to understand yourself, get to know yourself.
Reward
            So in this particular context I was on the phone and all I heard was my name being said and a question: what have you been doing? From my perspective I see as if I did something wrong, that this being will disapprove of, which I believe strongly. So I fear then saying this. And I fear have to face fear so I do not force myself to say this. One point have participated in is forcing myself to do that which I fear. Self-honestly, this has had mixed results, which I would say is not best for all. Because I even though I may do something I am afraid, what I am doing is not best for all, as for example (just an example) walking outside naked. I do this, but how does this support what is best for all? Yes of course I it can be from self-expression, but self-honestly I see not so, at least with points I fear and with me.
            With me, I know there is desire connected to the fear. Like fear of loss, where I fear losing the respect (read reward) from this person. I become so consumed by fear I do not see this motivated point to cause myself to experience fear. It is similar to the game point I raised in my last writings, where I participate as fearful upset loser just to hope one day to be the winner, and be happy. Which is abusive. Looking at “what did you do Yogan?” I am hoping one day to say I did xyz which I believe are great/good/praiseworthy things. So to keep this pattern I need to play the polarity, being in fear when I cannot say xyz, but have abc. So lets stop judging what is good/bad according to how others see things, and rather look at what is best for all and fight for that so to not give in to what our parents, and systems before us have told/taught us. The system is within us, as us. The temptation is us. Breathe and let us not give into temptation, us as a hero or loser, but realize hey, I am here.
Thanks.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear punishment and desire reward.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek reward when a person says my name and asking me what I am doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid when someone says my name when asking me what I have been doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see for me how I have organized desire and fear, such that I participate in both, when participating in one or the other.
Time to stop, fear and desire, and so stop punishment reward that do not support what is best for all, and cause children to doubt themselves and seek selfish goals that abdicate responsibility, and self-knowing and understanding of life.  

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