“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

day 19- Insecurities and Positive Strivings.

see my video, where i read this post outloud. 

Point: getting nervous when I think someone is listening to me play on the piano. 
Note: this a continuation of Day 18 -I played the piano tonight
Another dimension I can consider is the moment I decide to play the piano. I had in this particular context, Sunday night, felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I was reacting emotionally that snowballed from a particular event. The ‘event’ was a moment of fear of having to face beings intimately and so face conflict. Why conflict? Because the world is a mess, and most beings have the opinion that the world is fine or good, or they fear taking responsibility for the mess, which all really is responsible. Now, what is interesting about this is I am creating conflict because I am expecting conflict and to find something that is not what I expect I would be surprised which would mean I am unprepared. So bottom line, stop creating the world as it is through the expectation the world will continue as it always has: getting worse. Rather work for practical solutions and steps that can be individually walked with oneself and with a group that will ensure and outcome that is best for all.
Warning: I am not saying don’t expect things, rather stop creating that which is found in this world, within yourself, and rather start creating what is best for all within yourself, so for each moment we walk we can immediately and effectively create what is best for all, since we prepared ourselves to be that and live that always, in every way or moment.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict, instead of seeing how conflict is and always has been created by me within me and so is not separate from me and so is not bad but simply needs to stop for cooperation and clarity to be understood.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create conflict within me.
Fearing my own fear, lololol
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live my commit to myself to write everyday because of a teensy bit of fear.
I realize writing is what is going to get me through this. With writing I can be honest and cross-reference myself easily to see what I am still and have still not stopped participating in. This is a process I walk with myself, so lets get to it.
I commit myself to write everyday.

Continuing the post from yesterday ‘day 18 - I Played the Piano Tonight’ the point opened that I was participating in fear of rejection. Where I feared people coming up to me to tell me my music was bad. This is a recurrent point, fear of rejection. Which is obviously connected to fear of loss. I fear losing an opportunity to play my music for others to hear.  Why do I desire for others to hear me play? The answer is obviously ego. I fear losing the opportunity for aggrandizement, praise. I fear losing the feelings and energy which I have judged positive and good, that would/could be created. I see I am less than myself in that I have not in fact really directed myself at all, otherwise why would I place myself in a competition with myself to earn as much feelings and praise possible. Humans that have become so programmed that selfishness itself is supported and programmed by parents onto children to follow sweets, and “emotional nurturing” which is the parents imposing what had been imposed onto them. The physical is literally forced onto, and raped with these programmings. This is my basic program, follow what is rewarding for me. Be motivated by that which causes good feelings within you. Be depressed by that which causes bad feelings within you. Chase after the light, and find a way to ensure only good feelings, as what else can there be? Ignore the negative, don’t look at the negative, it will harm you, and you are not responsible for the bad things that happen to you, it is the world’s fault. I am perfect don’t listen to them. Just meditate and show you are perfect. Show you can silence your mind to prove your perfection. Share your stories so they can believe you. Tell them what they want to hear. Remember it is not your fault if they fail, it is theirs, etc…..
             
            So I would not be surprised if some have read my program and not be shocked and actual defend the program. To be frank, this program is completely abusive. It is ego based, and selfish. Not good or kind in any way shape or form.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear rejection, in some twisted way of living out a game of winners and losers thinking that I need to fear rejection so that I can play the game so that I may one day hope to be the winner and achieve my positivity, all the while missing the truth that I am literally causing myself and this body pains, where it is not necessary and is ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow fear of loss along a path where I hope will lead to positive feels and the emotional nurturing I earned as a child, and so in this way I was programmed in childhood to chase my highest dream (reward) that I wanted for me, and did not care what happened to the rest, this world, or this body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow to hope of victory (= equals fear of loss) to a place where video games were rewards for my good behavior, and so lose myself, and what is really valuable, myself as the physical and this reality.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the positive strivings is no different than the negative creations of hopelessness, loss, fearfulness, and lonelyness, as you cannot have participate in one without participating in the other.
I commit myself to stop playing mind games in positive or negative reactions.
I commit myself to start breathing and being real here, an equal being of this earth, equal to the mind and equal to the process of writing I am walking.
I commit myself to be an equal with and as this physical body, where my starting point of honesty starts with the physical as it is what is real.
I commit myself to investigate the physical body and continue understanding my physical through a process of correction and walking with and as the physical as equal.




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