“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Day 14 Fear of Mistakes and Failures

 


I was opening up an email sent from a professor. I opened it and was surprised/shocked to read she was my thesis advisor. I had expected another professor to be my thesis advisor as she was in my opinion most qualified to assist and support me on this particular topic. I had already imagined, planned and expected that this other adviser would be the one. So I went  into self-doubt, due to the compromise I made in my self-honesty in trusting that the mind knew I was going to get this adviser when I did not. (you can see how you can’t trust the mind but only what is physically here, which is why we are living this process of getting here/being physical as it is the only stable/trustworthy point that exists, and then we become trustworthy and honest through that process) I thought Im going to fail my thesis without this professor’s support. I was afraid standing alone without this picture I had of me standing with my professor in my mind. Without this then I was creating my new future: picturing myself doing poorly and speaking to the professors in orals that I found nothing. Imagine me failing and crying, and sucking at oral presentation and apologizing. All, the result because I allowed myself to create a relationship to this picture in my head of my professor standing by my side, instead of seeing that the decision was not yet made who my adviser was going to be. This is a common/basic lesson to learn. I did not know who my adviser was, and any hoping and planning will not change the outcome. I fear not controlling my fate. I want complete control. LOL but do I want responsibility, I ask myself. The reactive answer is no, which I would not be surprised is inside everyone as well. So this is what process is, going to the point of responsibility. Am I willing to be responsible for the plants, the amoeba, the animals, the banana, every cell, and bacteria on this planet? For this human body? This human being that is myself? For this mind that is myself? Which I believe are the questions everyone answers yes when they start process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust the mind, without seeing here what is occurring/real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship in my mind between the picture of me standing with my professor, and myself, instead of being one and equal to reality where the decision of adviser placement exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not controlling my fate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have complete control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shy away from responsibility for life as myself through desiring to have complete control without taking responsibility and fearing not controlling my fate so to not take responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships exclusively with some people so to not take responsibility as all as one and equal, but to have my select few friends. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to begin relationships in my mind with thoughts, fantasies and imaginations of sex, romance, and intimacy with a being that caught my mind’s attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having control of who my adviser is going to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be worried I won’t do well with this new professor, because guess what, she is my professor so worry will not support me, instead I should see how I can adjust myself to this new situation to best support me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture myself failing and to fear myself failing, to instead support myself here to succeed.
This reminds me of when I had a math project and my teammates had tried to contact me but I was not even thinking of the assignment. In addition, I was distracted by a new game. I was watching my brother and cousin playing on this new game. Our group had not confirmed a date and at this time I was a child who had not a lot of experience with group projects. I would often allow others to lead, and try to be a good worker/contributor to the project. They had called me at my grandmas house and asked about the project and told me they had already finished it. They were in a blaming tone as they expected me to have remembered there was a project due the next day, even though we had never talked about meeting or scheduled a time and place. When I heard them blaming me I was shocked and super afraid as I realize the horror of what just happened. I had not realized the assignment needed to be done. So I stood in front of the class and the teacher asked why I did not help with the assignment. She looked at me in disappointment. I already was keeping my head down and slouched over as I was walking up with my group. I said I forgot, I did not know. And so I thought this was enough justification to blame myself and go into guilt. I said, I was sorry, and I cried. I realized there was nothing I could do so I was in regret. I thought I was a victim because I had not helped with the project, I thought I was a bad person, which is ridiculous. I forget a project is all. I realize now that if I forget something, then to, just that, forget it and to focus on how I can support myself here in future projects and endeavors.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a child not be aware of the basic rule of group interaction: communicate and be on the same page.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up by past mistakes and failures, to instead forget them as they are gone like dust in the wind, what is real is what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy video games soo much that I would value my reality of video games more than actually reality, thus creating a backdoor from myself, my emotions, and physical responsibilities to myself and world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and accept thoughts as natural.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I won’t get the advisor I want for my year long thesis and I may fail if I do not get her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear and connect fear as an emotional experience to the thought I won’t get the advisor I want for my year long thesis and I may fail if I do not get her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I will fail if I do not get my preferred thesis advisor, as I obviously play a large part in the process of my thesis.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a failure.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a failure when my teacher looks at me with disappointment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am a failure to the emotional experience known as sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect failure to fear itself, thus I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loss. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect loss to fear itself, thus I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is all my fault.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is all my fault when I receive a bad grade.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought it is all my fault to the emotional experience known as sadness.
When and as I see myself sad while the teacher looks at me with disappointment and gives me a low grade, I stop and I breathe – I realize be here and support myself here. I realize the past cannot touch me as it is not physical and so it is not a physical touching, therefore past is not real. I realize I must stand as the physical to support myself.
I commit myself to schedule my time to have a timetable for when completing my thesis.
I commit myself to be here and so support myself here as what is real, the physical.
When and as I see myself in fear while imagining myself failing the thesis and crying and sucking at oral presentation and then apologizing, I stop and I breathe – I realize imagination is not real, and so I realize this is only an imagination and imagination will get me nowhere in completing the thesis task. I realize I must support myself here. I realize I am creating my own fear and there is no point in causing this suffering to myself. I realize I must stop.
I commit myself to stop imagining how my thesis presentation will go and instead actually focus on preparing for it and taking the necessary steps to do a good job.

No comments:

Post a Comment