The Self is the key. You are the key. If you want to make things better, focus on yourself. Do you have a relationship with yourself? Are you able to hold yourself and know yourself? Do you know what you are feeling? Do you know what you are thinking? Are you here with yourself? Do you Know yourself?

Self is the Key. You are the Key. You have the power. You are the power. You need to know the power. You need to know yourself. You need to know who you are right now in this moment in what you are thinking and feeling. And you need to start stopping whatever it is that is not best for you. You need to start stopping that which is harmful to Life.

Be the Self that is Free from all limitation, pain, abuse, destruction, and full of creation, ability, and potential. You start becoming through self-forgiveness.

Would you like to have a relationship with Your self?

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Day 15 - My Last Relationship








         My last relationship started out well. There was intimacy and closeness. But this slowly went away. I felt frustrated. I wanted to make more intimacy and closeness that was experienced in the early part of the relationship. But I did not know how and I did not tell her what I was thinking because I was afraid I was the source of lack of intimacy. 

         I started making subtle suggestions/observations about my character in hopes my partner would share the same opinion of me. I even made my self-blame explicit by saying I am going to start acting differently from now on. I felt powerless within this as it felt like I was trying to push against air. I took the opportunity to blame myself for various instances by saying I could have expressed myself differently. I was not supporting myself through writing and when I did it was really to end the relationship out of fear. I had blamed myself for not being able to bring the relationship back to the initial stages. 

         At the time, I viewed the relationship from the starting point that the relationship was perfect; as the two people were perfect for one another… a good match. Though obviously my starting point completely ignores practicality that who the beings are in the moment and how they handle and face the shit that is in each one. I had wanted to not face the shit… I had avoided conflict. So I feared conflict, and I feared negative emotions. So I blamed myself for being scared, which is silly as I am already afraid, instead of seeing the practicality that I was not assisting and supporting myself effectively in the relationship, that no blame or guilt is required as it has to do with self. 

         I was afraid of taking responsibility for myself and wanted the relationship to take responsibility for me. I blamed myself that the relationship ended. I was afraid of taking responsibility for all the silent moments where I was thinking something about the relationship but never expressing it. I thought the relationship required more communication. I had mentioned this point to her several times but I never pushed to point, to make sure it was established, let alone test it. I was afraid of fighting with her, and losing and appearing weak to her. I wanted to be confident, strong and well-liked. I wanted sex, but I was afraid of telling her I wanted sex since I was afraid of not getting the sex since in my mind guys who just want sex are pigs. I was also then afraid of her thinking I was a pig and perhaps then lose one thing I enjoyed when with her. I enjoyed the comfort/love she gave me for being a stable point in my life and the thought of losing my stability as a feeling of comfort/love, scared me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for myself and taking care of me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blaming myself for the entirety of the relationship instead of taking responsibility for me as myself as a physical being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself that the relationship ended. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the relationship take responsibility for me. 

When and as I see myself feeling resistance while in a relationship, I stop and breathe – I realize I can assist myself to stop generating resistance as energy within me. I also realize fear as resistance is energy and so not a valid or supportive for me. I realize blame does not support me so to instead breathe and write out the point and make self-corrective statements along with self-forgiveness. 

I commit myself to when I see I am in fear to stop by bringing myself here and breathing as myself as the physical and then writing out the point I am resisting and correct myself to what is best for all. 


I commit myself to stop blaming myself for things as it obviously not supporting me.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to take the responsibility for another for themselves within the relationship. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my partner as inept and incapable of properly being self-responsible and self-honest within a relationship.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my partner as the image of a child, and so judge her as weak, incapable, and requiring protection. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the world for not being responsible as I am really trying not to see how I am not being responsible through blaming, which indicates blame is actually supportive as it indicates there is a part that self is not taking self-responsibility for.


When and as I see myself blame another while feeling anxiety, I stop and I breathe – I realize blame is showing me how I am not actually taking responsibility for self in this moment to do what is best for all practically, in this moment. I realize I can take practical actions and changes to support what is best for all rather than blaming and through supporting what is best for all I am supporting myself. 


I commit myself to utilize blame as an indicator for not taking responsibility and to then expand my responsibility to include this part of self.  


I commit myself to take each part of self and become responsible for each part eventually. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for all the silent moments where I was thinking something about the relationship but never expressing it.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of communicating self-honestly with another being as I fear being alone for having insulted this person. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of fighting with my partner and fear losing and also fear appearing weak to her. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling my partner I wanted sex because I was afraid of not having sex.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having sex because I was afraid of appearing like a pig. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disrespect pigs by using the word for pigs as an insult. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think guys who want sex are pigs.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing what I called stability as a feeling of comfort/love that I connected to my partner acting motherly. 


I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make the stable point of my life, life as myself. 


When and as I see myself afraid of communicating myself while with a partner being in agreement, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am here and I must assist and support myself here – I realize agreements/relationships are for support and if they are not for support then is supporting abuse, not cool -  I realize I must support myself within an agreement by being the stability of my life, since 1+1=2. I realize I must live communication with self before I can expect to live it with another.


I commit myself to communicate with me and be familiar with me before I attempt to communicate me with another.


I commit myself to be the point of stability in my life through taking care of me and being the support I require in daily life

The Breakup

A similar experience of fear and shock is when I recall my ex-partner having yelled at me for questioning her. I had been questioning why she wanted to end the relationship. I wanted to hear her reasons instead of bullshit things like the relationship just wore out, time was the culprit. Then I was able to get her to say the nasty things she thought about me. To which I immediately pointed out as not valid or really weird for anyone to think of another. She then screamed I DON’T KNOW. To which I felt shocked/afraid, like I did something wrong. I then apologized saying I don’t have experience with dealing with someone like this. She said yeah your not suppose to push a sad person. I then went into blame and guilt. I see this is a bullshit thing I did to myself, I should have stood up to her and tell her her rampage was unacceptable. Funny thing is I even asked her if she won’t say or did not know why. She said she did not know why. Now that I understand the degree of possessions, I know that it is extremely unlikely that someone who is possessed will HEAR anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up.

         For the entirety of the relationship I did not stand up. At the end of the relationship I tried to stand up but as I was wavering still fearing responsibility, I did not stand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a memory of when I reacted in fear (inferiority) when my ex yelled at me for questioning her, as I am imagining she is yelling at me now, while I am sitting on her bed, and I react with fear and become choked, unable to speak and my stomach feels drained of all energy, and I physically live out this fear inside out and I become ineffective in this reality as I am not here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my world is ending when and as my partner relationship is ending. 


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my world is ending.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my world is ending to the emotional experience known as fear. 


When I see myself experiencing fear while my relationship is ending, I stop and I breathe – I realize I accept myself here, that I am here – I realize I need to stand – I realize I support myself and all life by standing for what is best for all.


I commit myself to place the realization ‘I need to stand’ into practice, so to speak.


I commit myself to when faced with conflict, to firstly stand then see how I can be of assistance and support to myself and others involved.  


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear an ending relationship. 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to connect an ending relationship to fear itself, thus 
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear my own fear. 


When and as I see myself fear losing/ ending a relationship – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can instead look at what caused the relationship to end and walk the points in order for me to face the responsibility toward such relationship ending.  I also see and realize that who I am is not defined by having a relationship, thus I support myself here to write out my experience to see where and how I can assist and support myself to face the points that lead to the relationship ending. 


I commit myself to write out my responsibility points to the ending of a relationship and be self-honest. 


I commit myself to breathe and remain here when a partner relationship ends. 


I commit myself to not allow any relationship as relationship will compromise myself, but rather to create agreements so that I can have a platform to stand as. 

Day 14 Fear of Mistakes and Failures

 


I was opening up an email sent from a professor. I opened it and was surprised/shocked to read she was my thesis advisor. I had expected another professor to be my thesis advisor as she was in my opinion most qualified to assist and support me on this particular topic. I had already imagined, planned and expected that this other adviser would be the one. So I went  into self-doubt, due to the compromise I made in my self-honesty in trusting that the mind knew I was going to get this adviser when I did not. (you can see how you can’t trust the mind but only what is physically here, which is why we are living this process of getting here/being physical as it is the only stable/trustworthy point that exists, and then we become trustworthy and honest through that process) I thought Im going to fail my thesis without this professor’s support. I was afraid standing alone without this picture I had of me standing with my professor in my mind. Without this then I was creating my new future: picturing myself doing poorly and speaking to the professors in orals that I found nothing. Imagine me failing and crying, and sucking at oral presentation and apologizing. All, the result because I allowed myself to create a relationship to this picture in my head of my professor standing by my side, instead of seeing that the decision was not yet made who my adviser was going to be. This is a common/basic lesson to learn. I did not know who my adviser was, and any hoping and planning will not change the outcome. I fear not controlling my fate. I want complete control. LOL but do I want responsibility, I ask myself. The reactive answer is no, which I would not be surprised is inside everyone as well. So this is what process is, going to the point of responsibility. Am I willing to be responsible for the plants, the amoeba, the animals, the banana, every cell, and bacteria on this planet? For this human body? This human being that is myself? For this mind that is myself? Which I believe are the questions everyone answers yes when they start process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust the mind, without seeing here what is occurring/real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship in my mind between the picture of me standing with my professor, and myself, instead of being one and equal to reality where the decision of adviser placement exists.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not controlling my fate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to have complete control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shy away from responsibility for life as myself through desiring to have complete control without taking responsibility and fearing not controlling my fate so to not take responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create relationships exclusively with some people so to not take responsibility as all as one and equal, but to have my select few friends. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to begin relationships in my mind with thoughts, fantasies and imaginations of sex, romance, and intimacy with a being that caught my mind’s attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having control of who my adviser is going to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be worried I won’t do well with this new professor, because guess what, she is my professor so worry will not support me, instead I should see how I can adjust myself to this new situation to best support me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to picture myself failing and to fear myself failing, to instead support myself here to succeed.
This reminds me of when I had a math project and my teammates had tried to contact me but I was not even thinking of the assignment. In addition, I was distracted by a new game. I was watching my brother and cousin playing on this new game. Our group had not confirmed a date and at this time I was a child who had not a lot of experience with group projects. I would often allow others to lead, and try to be a good worker/contributor to the project. They had called me at my grandmas house and asked about the project and told me they had already finished it. They were in a blaming tone as they expected me to have remembered there was a project due the next day, even though we had never talked about meeting or scheduled a time and place. When I heard them blaming me I was shocked and super afraid as I realize the horror of what just happened. I had not realized the assignment needed to be done. So I stood in front of the class and the teacher asked why I did not help with the assignment. She looked at me in disappointment. I already was keeping my head down and slouched over as I was walking up with my group. I said I forgot, I did not know. And so I thought this was enough justification to blame myself and go into guilt. I said, I was sorry, and I cried. I realized there was nothing I could do so I was in regret. I thought I was a victim because I had not helped with the project, I thought I was a bad person, which is ridiculous. I forget a project is all. I realize now that if I forget something, then to, just that, forget it and to focus on how I can support myself here in future projects and endeavors.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as a child not be aware of the basic rule of group interaction: communicate and be on the same page.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up by past mistakes and failures, to instead forget them as they are gone like dust in the wind, what is real is what is here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy video games soo much that I would value my reality of video games more than actually reality, thus creating a backdoor from myself, my emotions, and physical responsibilities to myself and world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and accept thoughts as natural.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I won’t get the advisor I want for my year long thesis and I may fail if I do not get her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with fear and connect fear as an emotional experience to the thought I won’t get the advisor I want for my year long thesis and I may fail if I do not get her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I will fail if I do not get my preferred thesis advisor, as I obviously play a large part in the process of my thesis.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a failure.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a failure when my teacher looks at me with disappointment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am a failure to the emotional experience known as sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect failure to fear itself, thus I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loss. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect loss to fear itself, thus I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is all my fault.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is all my fault when I receive a bad grade.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought it is all my fault to the emotional experience known as sadness.
When and as I see myself sad while the teacher looks at me with disappointment and gives me a low grade, I stop and I breathe – I realize be here and support myself here. I realize the past cannot touch me as it is not physical and so it is not a physical touching, therefore past is not real. I realize I must stand as the physical to support myself.
I commit myself to schedule my time to have a timetable for when completing my thesis.
I commit myself to be here and so support myself here as what is real, the physical.
When and as I see myself in fear while imagining myself failing the thesis and crying and sucking at oral presentation and then apologizing, I stop and I breathe – I realize imagination is not real, and so I realize this is only an imagination and imagination will get me nowhere in completing the thesis task. I realize I must support myself here. I realize I am creating my own fear and there is no point in causing this suffering to myself. I realize I must stop.
I commit myself to stop imagining how my thesis presentation will go and instead actually focus on preparing for it and taking the necessary steps to do a good job.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Day 13 - Beginning of School Semeseter REVISITED

Hi blog readers,
so i wrote a post a little while back, here it is: Day 9 Beginning of School Semester and I was checking my starting point and so i looked at my blog writings for reference. I saw this blog and it seemed intuitively what i needed to do, to be practical with, "ok how i am going to live now while i am in school?" The self-forgiveness was spontaneous so i literally went sentence by sentence, word for word and see what needed forgiving. So here is what i did, enjoy. 
P.S. Make sure to read the self forgiveness statements. Also it may be fun to compare the old post and new post, just sayin.  
-Yogan

I feel great fear when I think of starting classes again. I don’t want to feel fear in starting classes again as this will lower my performance. The thought of being behind in a class causes anxiety within me. As the assignment for dip is an assignment for a class I feel anxiety when I think I won’t finish it. I feel like I just want to runaway as in go on my laptop and surf the web or watch television shows, even ones I have already saw and where I feel no real enjoyment in doing so. This reminds me of playing video games where I even sometimes felt no enjoyment or just frustration yet played it. I see I am afraid of school, of responsibility for myself within school and being a student. I feel like I have no control of my situation that I am doomed to being in school and studying things that may not directly assist me and so within that I believe I will partially waste my time which I have judged as precious. Within writing out these words it feels like I am writing a script, one that does not seem like the real me, just some words separate from me yet is me as my mind as my inner self. It is all prepared and known. I see my thoughts are lies yet true temporarily. My thoughts here, were activated when I started thinking of being in school again. Its kind of ridiculous because I changed only by thought where I was here previously not freaking out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear starting classes again
 I forgive myself to fear fear as fear would lower my performance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being behind in a class.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not finishing my dip assignment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to distract myself with television, video games, and Internet when I am afraid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear school
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a responsible student
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I do not have control of my situation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear studying and working hard
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think school does not assist me and support me
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I can rewrite my script word for word, sentence by sentence, so that I can in fact have a script written by me of what to do and how to live within the context of school. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start fearing school as an outward reaction when I think of when I was in school previously.
( I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not forgive accepting and allowing the reaction but forgive just the start of the reaction and to believe the reaction is outward and not inward)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fucked up reaction pattern where I am afraid of doing poorly due to being so afraid of performing poorly when I realize fear will debilitate me and diminish myself.
(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the reaction pattern as fucked up for I am accepting and allowing the reaction pattern, its not the pattern’s responsibility it is mine. )
(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that fear will debilitate me and diminish me.)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the fucked up reaction of running away when the going gets tough like when I am afraid of not finishing my dip assignment.
(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call the reaction fucked up as I am the one who is accepting and allowing the reaction.)
(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the going gets tough)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fucked up reaction of hiding within the Internet/television shows where I feel no enjoyment and playing video games where I feel no enjoyment and/or frustration.
(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the reaction as fucked up as what is really fucked up is to accept and allow this reaction, so it is the acceptance and allowance of the reaction that is fucked up not the reaction.)
(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not enjoy myself on the internet, watching televisions shows, and playing video games. )
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of taking responsibility for myself and my reactions and thoughts within the context of school and being a student.
I realize that watching of old tv shows, and playing old video games, and surfing the web looking at old websites is where I am looking for comfort in what is familiar to me.
(I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define comfort in separation of myself in what I am familiar with. )
I realize that I am just looking for control in my reality when I runaway to videogames, television and the internet as I have total control there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define control in separation of myself as videogames, television and the internet.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I have total control here as myself as the physical where I do have a degree of control as the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear responsibility.
When and as I am afraid while I am faced with school I realize school is me so is not separate from me as will, commitment, dedication and self-direction. As I start to face classes I realize classes is also me and simply an extension of my self. I will accept and allow myself to have fun in school, and enjoy the physical as myself and all aspects and facets of and as the physical. I will face fear as myself and transmute it through a daily dedicated writing.
I commit myself to apply myself in classes and homework with will and self-dedication.
I commit myself to prepare and schedule my time/day to be on time for class and well prepared for each class.
I commit myself to have at least one hour day for writing, preferably in the evenings.
I commit myself to take care of my physical health by exercising 20 minutes each day and eating well.
I commit myself to have a time to enjoy myself each day by playing piano, or walking outside.
I commit myself to when faced with distress/emotions to make the physical my starting point as my honest point and see how I can support myself.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Day 12 Fail

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A point that bothers me is imagining sending my teacher two emails and that he would be angry/disappointed that i did not combine them. So this is a point of inferiority for me, for I am imagining my teacher to be angry/disappointed in me. I see this fear of this event occurring my teacher being angry/disappointed, is Fckd. I was reading Malin’s post’s http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-154-how-we-teach-our-children-to.html and http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/09/day-155-achieving-unachievable-self.html and I saw how this fear is originating from fear of survival. The teacher is like a test exam to get your survival be taken care of through school and education. All the adults I remember would point out that school will determine who you are and whether you suffer or feel good for the duration of your adult life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sending two emails instead of one email to my teacher as I was afraid of repercussions/consequences as teacher being disappointed/angry as I have been taught at an early age to fear consequences/repercussions for one’s actions as supposedly our entire existence is determined during childhood so we have to study and prepare now for the future to protect ourselves from failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with emotional inferiority where I think I am a failure and a loser for having accepted and allowed myself to disappoint the teacher.
I commit myself to walk in the shoes of my teacher as to see his/her starting point so that I can best assist and support myself.

To Be Continued

Friday, September 14, 2012

Day 11 -Busy Personality

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I accepted and allowed the thought I have to turn out the light in the kitchen. I told myself it made sense to turn out the lights during the day time. But as I walked back from turning off the light I focused on the sound of my steps and was not walking in breath. So I thought about how my steps sound busy. I see this aspect of self as being busy is defined as hurrying and discomfort, wherein when I tell someone I am busy, I experience discomfort.
So physically I see the busy aspect of self, also known as the busy character, I am physically mover at a quicker pace but I miss grab things and make miss-takes. Within my emotions and feelings, I feel suppression and compression as discomfort. And I imagine my goal as in arms reach but never quite how I imagined it to be, imperfect. Physically the consequence is a poor job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when I see a task that requires completion such as turning off the kitchen light, to become the busy character as the aspect of self that rushes to complete the task, all the while imagining the task to be near completion as if I only need to do a little more which gives rise to optimism as a mis-take of reality of the task, leading to a poor job and emotional discomfort.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the busy character when I tell someone I have been busy, which is only a reaction to my choice of words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not simply remain here as breath when sharing to someone how I have been.
I commit myself to live out my forgiveness statements with simply remaining with breath, stopping my physical rushes and getting to a one and equal relationship with my physical body here, so as to support myself to remove the physical and/or emotional discomfort.

To Be Continued...