Day 10 Human Wreck Part 1: Possession of Self in Separation as Time

Excerpt of Skype chat:

we had a meeting today for EMS our team,

[8/14/12 6:59:27 PM] Yogan: but i could not be there because of my cousin's car accident

 I Am Blaming My Cousin For The Car Accident And For Me Not Being At The Meeting Today. I Thought There Was Nothing I Could Do. I Felt Sad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there was nothing I could do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there was nothing I could do when I say I could not be at the ems meeting because of my cousin’s car accident.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought there was nothing I could do to the emotional experience known as sadness.

When and as I see myself feeling sad while I am explaining to someone I could not be at the ems meeting because of my cousin’s car accident, i stop and breathe- I realize I really could not have done anything different and sometimes circumstance leads us. I realize there is no reason to be sad. 

            When and as I see myself feeling sad because I was not able to attend a meeting/place/event – I stop and I breathe – I realize that instead I direct myself to explain the circumstances and accept the outflows that we are subject to as part of this reality.

I commit myself to stop sadness and self-pity when I faced with inevitable detours and emergencies that require attention for a moment before I continue living my daily activities and plans.

[8/14/12 7:00:04 PM] Yogan: and we are trying to rescheduale for tomorrow, but i may need to leave again to take him to the car rental.

 I Am Blaming My Cousin For My Inability To Reschedule. I Feel Powerless. I Desire To Have Power Over The Situation. I Think If I Could Do Something Different I Would But I Have No Choice, To Which I Felt Sad. I Think How Could I Have Left Them There? I Felt Sad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think if I could do something different I would but I have no choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think if I could do something different I would, but I have no choice when my team was trying to reschedule for tomorrow and I told them I may have to leave again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought If I could do something different I would but I have no choice to the emotional experience known as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think how could I have left them there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think how could I have left them there when I think I may need to leave again.

When and as I see myself feeling the emotional experience known as sadness while I am making new plans for a meeting I missed and telling my team I may need to leave again, I stop and I breathe- I realize I must focus now on the matter at hand of settling a new meeting date and time and feeling emotional will only disrupt me and I will not do as good as job for picking the ideal time for me.

I commit myself to focus on the matter at hand like planning for a new meeting date if we missed the last chance to meet.

I remember that I completely forgot the meeting was at one pm as I thought it was three pm. I think I am a dumbass. I feel sad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a dumbass.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am a dumbass when I forget a time for a meeting or mistaken the time for a meeting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am a dumbass to the emotional experience known as sadness.

 When and as I see myself feeling the emotional experience known as sadness while I realize I have mistaken the time for a meeting, I stop and I breathe – I realize  I did not mean to forget and I can take practical steps to ensure I remember like writing down the time and date in my agenda, and using an agenda.

I commit myself to write down the date and time for a meeting.

[8/14/12 7:00:16 PM] Yogan: and my cousin does not know when.

 I have not let my cousin know I have plans too. I can easily do so. But I feel nervous when I think of myself telling them I am working with other people online on the ems psychology wiki.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel nervous when I imagine myself telling my cousin, aunt or grandma I am working with other people online on the ems psychology wiki.  

I forgive myself to imagine myself telling my aunt, cousin and grandma I am working on the ems psychology wiki with other destonians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself telling my aunt, cousin and grandma I am working on the ems psychology wiki when I realize to better prepare for unexpected help I may need to give I can alert my cousin and aunt that I am busy at so and so time.

When and as I see myself imagining telling my cousin, aunt and grandma I am working on the ems psychology wiki with other destonians, while feeling nervous – I stop and I breathe – I realize I am creating disruptions in my relationship with the destonians through being afraid of telling my aunt, grandma, and cousin within an imagination in my mind. I realize I do not have to tell them exactly what I am doing in detail and it is respectful to let them know what I am working on. I realize I must stop imagination.   

I commit myself to stop imagining what I am going to do in say instead of preparing myself here with writing if I need to prepare or self-talk too.

[8/14/12 7:00:45 PM] Yogan: But i also just get angry when my cousin and aunt do not ask me ahead of time for things, it is always last minute.

I think they should adjust to me. But i do not realize that both have to do adjusting sometimes, including me.

This reminds me of my father where i see my father as hard headed and selfish; as children he would tell us we are going sailing today and we said we do not want to. I remembering feeling indignant where he was insulting me for not giving me a chance to say no, so in essence the point i was upset was not having my perfect control of the situation, which would be my idea of a saturday or sunday, which is a story in itself. As my cousin’s request was during summer, i am upset because my summer is not being what i wanted. I see a practical point that needs adjusting here. Where if i allow myself to be self-ish i will be fucked by my own volition as i am reacting and being possessed. I think it doesn’t matter what happens i do not want to help you! To which i feel anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it doesn’t matter what happens, I do not want to help you.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it doesn’t matter what happens, I do not want to help you when my cousin/aunt and grandma ask me for help.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought it doesn’t matter what happens, I do not want to help you to the emotional experience known as anger.

When and as I see myself feeling anger as an emotional experience while my aunt or cousin need to ask something of me I stop and breathe – I realize they may need support and for that moment I can support them – I realize I can schedule my time to support them as needed so not to compromise my own engagement – I realize that they have very little support even from themselves and need all the help they can get.

I commit myself to provide what immediate support I can to my aunt, cousin, and grandma and to schedule more long-term support.

And another similar memory was when my mother wanted to go to the beach and everyone but me was resisting. My mother exploded and threw a plate. She spoke to all of us and accused us of fighting and that she does not want so much fighting. I thought why is she doing this to me I did nothing wrong! I felt sad and I said that I was not fighting that I wanted to go. My mom said she knows. I have a history of reacting to yelling.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say, think, and believe I have a history of yelling within and as myself as I realize that such a statement is a statement of self that I will carry and define myself according to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think why is she doing this to me, I did nothing wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think why is she doing this to me, I did nothing wrong when my mom yells at the entire family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought why is she doing this to me, I did nothing wrong to the emotional experience known as sadness.

When and as I see myself feeling the emotional experience known as sadness while I am being yelled at by my mother as part of the family- I stop and I breathe – I realize that my mother is just angry and she is not really angry with me but with herself in not controlling the situation as how she wanted – I realize I can assist the group to reach a point of harmony when such a disturbance occurs. I realize there is no reason to be afraid of yelling/loud noises – I realize my mom was not angry with me as I really did nothing wrong.

I commit myself to when I hear yelling to breathe and make sure I do not react, then I will direct the situation according to what is best for all such as if the the being is experiencing a reaction that to help the being realize that yelling is not needed and just a physical reaction to something inside the being that the being perceives is outside.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I wish he/she would not be yelling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I wish he/she would not be yelling when I hear someone yelling.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I wish he/she would not be yelling to the emotional experience known as anxiety.

When and as I see myself reacting with anxiety while I am being yelled at, I stop and breathe- I realize I do not have to be reacting with anxiety when someone yells at me - I realize the fear of yelling is a childhood fear built from experiences - I realize this fear of yelling does not protect me nor serves me.

I commit myself to face yelling in breath and to open in writing this point of yelling as I may be reacting to something of self perceives is unfilled or needs suppressing.

[8/14/12 7:01:22 PM] Yogan: it makes scheduling more stressful, the thought of getting late/not being there is stressful.
             I was blaming my cousin and aunt for my feeling of feeling stressful. With self- forgiveness I know I can take responsibility for what occurs within me as me and release the point of stress as myself.  I thought this is fucking horrible what they are doing to me. I felt angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this is fucking horrible what they are doing to me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think this is fucking horrible what they are doing to me when I have realized I am late because I was helping my cousin and aunt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought this is fucking horrible what they are doing to me to the emotional experience known as anger.

           When and as I see myself feeling the emotional experience known as anger while I realize and recall I am late because I was helping my cousin and aunt, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am projecting into the future, and I can still plan here and work with what is available here - I realize there is no point in blaming my cousin and aunt, it is not their fault - I realize I can do better next time to prepare for the unexpected.

            I commit myself to be practical and realistic when a problem arises due to unforeseen circumstances and to handle and prevent problems that arise from within self, so self’s problems like selfishness, for example. 

 I was on the couch in my living room when I heard the phone ring. I got up to see who it was. I thought it might be my aunt or grandmother, I felt emotional. I looked to see if I could make out the caller id. I saw it was my aunt. I did not rush to pick it up but only slowly went to answer it. It went to the answering machine. I waited to hear her voice but she hanged up. My phone started to ring so I walked to pick it up. I thought it was her. I felt resistance to picking it up. I thought she should say something when she calls and I recalled a time when I heard her voice yell Yogan from the machine. I felt rage. I am angry because she always calls me to ask me for a favor. (This is a thought I repeat often. There is something underneath) I know that realistically she does not ask for favors very often. I am blaming her for asking me for favors and what results. I do not take responsibility for myself for what occurs when I do a favor for her. I do not accept responsibility for myself agreeing to do a favor, which I see when I allow myself to not be fully aware here within driving my aunt around. I also see I try to defend my free time from being used by her, or my mom or my dad. I see within these words that I see my time as a possession that I am identifying with as self. And I see my aunt as taking myself as time away from me. I have stopped the reactions to my mom, but I notice that I have stopped it before, meaning I have not really FACED the POINT. It will resurface unless I get to the bottom of this point.

So again, I reconsider the moment I thought I am angry because she always calls me to ask me for a favor. I do not actually want to help her. I don’t want to help my dad’s side of the family as I see them as selfish. I see I am selfish in defending my time to play games, and watch tv. I think they only care about themselves. I think they do not mean what they say. They would often come late to any social gathering. My mom would always ask where they were. The response always was they are always late. I thought, they are doing this on purpose, they can change if they wanted to so they are responsible for doing this to us, having us wait for them. They could change. Like how my aunt could call me in advance the moment she knows she is going to need me so that I can prepare for the help I would give her. Or how my cousin could respect the house of my mom and dad and other people’s possession like my sister’s bike and to try and pay for the bike he lost. I could tell him this. I always left it to the adults to tell these things to each other. Are these excuses though to not take self-responsibility?

I remember a conversation in the van where I saw something bad that someone was doing, and my parents chastised me for getting involved but I yelled, “I won’t be quiet it is like when I am in my math classroom and I see how the teacher could say something to help certain kids who may not get the point to understand from the different perspective and I do not speak up. Well I am going to speak up now.”

I see my parents thought I was just fighting with my brother or sister, I do not remember, but I was not trying to fight them but fighting for justice or what is right. I see that fighting, as in arguing screaming, yelling, pointing fingers, blaming, poking, pushing is not part of what is best for all. But to take a stance and willing to support what is best for all as another makes sense.

 I remember thinking at one time that if get upset at them then they are more likely to change. So I have been living this. Have I been doing this to myself? I do get angry with myself and expect other people to be angry at me when I mess up. Such as my dad being angry at me for not being aware that his dog escaped. I feel scared then. When I was driving my cousin and family I was very scared as I was thinking of my dad being angry at me for scratching the car or crashing. And this great fear which distracted me so much that I almost crashed twice in the same day, was the same time I was reacting to doing favors. I had not let go of the point and the point was active. This will obviously lead to disaster eventually if I do not stop this program I am living.

“I try to do a crappy job so they don’t ask me for a favor again.” (my mom has pointed this out to me in the past or my dad where I am upset about having to help him so I work slowly. This may be where I got my slow nature from. )

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like helping my grandmother and aunt, as I believe it takes away time and effort from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that time and effort can be taken from me by anything or anyone in existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid answering the calls of my grandmother or aunt as I dislike helping them as I believe it takes time and effort away from me.

When and as I see myself avoiding to answer the calls from my grandmother or aunt as the phone is ringing, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can answer in that moment and see whether I am available to support them, as I understand that I can be a point of support at the moment for them – I realize that I can also make them aware of the points I have to direct within my reality and as such, I ensure that I do not compromise myself either.

I commit myself to let another know the other responsibilities I have to better facilitate supporting that person by allocating a time for supporting them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move slowly as to do a crappy job as to spite the person I am helping as I am possessed by the desire to be selfish of myself and not share my time/myself and my effort/myself with others whom I see as separate.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use anger to justify my not taking responsibility for answering the phone on time and to do a poor job in helping my aunt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see people as separate from me instead of one and equal as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think she always calls me to ask me for a favor, as no one appreciates a whiner and it is a horrible lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take spitefulness to the extreme where I do not accept responsibility for self when I agree to do a favor  instead of taking full self-responsibility within everything pertaining to self within self’s world in accepting and completing a favor, including fear that may try to sabotage self as self is not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see time as separate from me instead of one and equal as myself such that time is here with and as myself in every moment and can never be taken or given really, as separate from myself, and can be given one and equal as myself within agreement to assist another.

When and as I see myself feeling fearful while negotiating with someone my time and support, I stop and I breathe – I realize I must make a decision to support or not and to stick to it – I realize I am working on myself and so there is no reason to be fearful since I have agreed to do it. I realize there is no reason to be fearful when I am negotiating my time with another being as they are me equal as life and I am standing as equality so I would not accept and allow abuse of myself or another.

I commit myself to stop fear within me when I am negotiating my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in spite say I really do not want to help my dad’s side of the family as really I do want to help.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to claim my dad’s side of the family is self-ish because, really, I am self-ish and being pure spiteful so…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish and care only for my world and to protect my false world by false claims and accusations that serve spitefulness. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish in playing video games and watching tv, instead of giving myself to the world as myself in every moment breath by breath through living in this moment breath by breath with and as the part of this world as this physical body that is one and equal to the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my dad’s side of the family do not care about us really and they lie all the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when I think my dad’s side of the family do not care about us really and they lie all the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the support my mind was giving me in the mind expressing the thought: they could change, where within the rule of the universe, oneness and equality: if they could change then so could I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take this realization, I could change and change every aspect of self that requires changing so that one day I can honestly say I am powerful, intimate and here with and as all in existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that my anger at my aunt for not calling in advance to let me know ahead of time she will need my help, is actually a support for me to change and be the change as letting people know ahead of time and in advance when I may need their help and to realize it is ok to call for immediate help when self has very few options as self desperately needs support as has been the case with my aunt even though she stalled, which could only be because of the mind where she really is innocent as who she really is, as am I.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that thinking if I can change them through being angry at them it will be worth it, is a statement of spite and self-ishness as self is not really giving another a choice to apply themselves as equally in deciding who they will be/are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-sabotage myself with fear simply to avoid self-responsibility for self, here.

           When and as I see myself afraid of driving when I am driving my aunt or grandmother I stop and breathe – I realize I can focus on the road and traffic as I understand that fear of an accident causes a greater chance for an accident and I am responsible if such an accident occurs while I am driving. 

             I commit myself to stop fear.

To realize that you are actually avoiding a point within you when you claim another is doing something to you.

I realize and accept that only I can be responsible for myself and my experience and I cannot blame another for what occurs within me.

To realize your responsibility to life in supporting your family where it makes sense.

I realize to support my family as life is to support myself as life.

To realize that being selfish is giving yourself permission to get fucked over in life.

I realize and accept that self-ishness is not acceptable ever.

To take full responsibility of self within accepting and completing a favor because you prevent self-sabotage through fear since within responsibility fear cannot exist and because accepting responsibility for doing a favor you agreed to.

I realize and accept that taking self-responsibility will prevent self-sabotage and is required when agreeing to a favor.

To realize that over-exaggeration is a sign of you not facing something. 

I realize and accept that there are points I am not willing to face but must face regardless as they are me.

To realize time is you here and not separate from yourself.

I realize and accept that time is an expression of myself here and that managing time is simply managing myself within and as time.

To realize effort is you here and not separate from yourself and therefore can never be diminished really by anyone or anything outside of self.

I realize effort is an expression of self equal and one and I am responsible equal and one how I express effort as myself.

To realize you can give time to a cause or project and you will not be diminished within doing so, as time is one and equal as you.

I realize that I am not diminished when I give time or effort to a project or cause.

To realize that selfishness will create dis-HARM-ony and does not support life.

I realize self-ish only accumulates harm to myself and to others.

To realize that accusing others as the cause of disharmony in the world is you not facing a point within yourself.

I realize that whenever I accuse others of not being good enough I am actually the one who needs assistance.

To realize that you are the physical here and not a mind within illusions of images and pictures that comes from various sources like television, videogames, and experiences.

I realize that I am the physical experience and not just a limited reality of pictures.

To realize that your anger is preventing you to see your own lies you tell to others including your family, which is a point that must be investigated.

I realize that anger hides lies and requires further investigation to uncover the truth of myself.

To realize you can change and to apply this in your living.

I realize I can change all aspects of self through writing and self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

To realize I am powerful as self here and intimate as self here.

I realize I am powerful and intimate, here.

To realize the innocence of life where all life is innocent, no matter who, which includes your family, and they are serving you in realizing who you are.

I realize I am innocent as life as is all, including my family and friends.

To realize you support others through being the correction.

I realize I support all through living the correction they will need to live for themselves. 

I also forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for yelling at my cousin as I was just angry that he was being aggressive to me and I would not allow myself to stand up one and equal to my cousin as I wanted to ‘play the game’ which means sacrificing self’s oneness and equality with life for a moment in order to feel a rush in the physical. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice my one and equal standing with life, this body here, and the physical universe in order to play a temporary game that I have taken as an addiction to feel a high in winning and escape a suppressed part of me as a character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of facing this character from which I suppress and runaway from within playing games with opponents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think I am the im not good enough character, instead of realizing I am here as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself with something/someone I see as separate from me which activates the im not good enough character when I see myself as not as good as this something/someone instead of seeing the something/someone as one and equal as myself, really, so never judge or compare myself in separation of myself.

I have a specific reaction to a picture of a hot young girl/model that activates the im not good enough character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not good enough unless I am with a super hot young girl/model where when I see a picture of a hot model on tv I feel inferior and start the im not good enough character since I do not have a girlfriend, which then starts an attempt to fulfill this part of me as intimacy really, where if I was intimate really as self I would not be thinking I am alone as I am really intimate with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use videogame playing and matches with opponents to attempt to fulfill intimacy with other people/self where I really see-into-me and be here with me in intimacy and others as self one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use matches with my father to attempt to be intimate with my father as another as self and be one and equal with my father as I am always in chess trying to reach an equal and one performance/experience with my father, which can never happen within the game of the mind but only within and as ourselves as the physical.