“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Day 10 Human Wreck Part 2: The Road of Happiness

 


When I would come home from school everyday, I would have two hours of free time to relax. My mom supported me to have this free time and would say this is your time to relax from school and perhaps eat a snack. Once the time ended I would do home work until it was done, which usually took the rest of the day. During this time I would either watch TV or play video games. There were specific shows I would follow or games I sought to continue and finish. I remember this was a time I looked forward to everyday. I was always extra happy when we got to go home early as this meant more time to play or watch tv and relax and not think about homework. I would get upset if my brother did not get off the computer after having played an hour. I would make sure I would confirm with him when he would be getting off so I could keep him to his word.
Every Saturday I would wake up by nine to watch tv shows in the morning. I would probably play video games in the afternoon. Sometimes all I thought about was a new video game, or our newest game. We were obsessed about pokemon trading cards. We spent a good deal of our parents money on that. We received so many gifts and usually everything we asked for we got, which our mom said because we did so well in school.
I have a specific memory where I stayed home. It was my birthday and I received a big star wars lego gift. It was summer time and we had a day camp we would go to. That morning when I received the gift I asked If I could stay home to play with my lego gift. I felt really happy. My mom asked if I was sure and I said yes. I knew I was going to be inside for most of the day and not out in the sun but I really wanted to play with the lego. So I stayed and I built it slowly and surely. Once it was done I noticed I was alone in the home and I felt a feeling of sadness. I wanted to see people. But I feel anxiety when meeting new people.
I have one clear memory of playing a playstation game named spyro. We did not have a memory card so we could not save the game. So I would play the game for a whole hour or two to rush and hurry to the end. And we would start again the next day. We never could reach the end of the game. So we asked our mom to buy a memory card for us. We played the game and finished it. I thought I felt satisfied but I really feel sad. I did not want the game to end. I also really like the movie Hercules and I would watch it over and over again. I also felt sad when it ended.  
This reminds me of my mom asking me for a favor and I would get angry and resist. I see I am getting a bit defensive of myself.  I see that when I am experiencing something within myself as emotion and feeling I find someone or something to attach to as the cause.
Last week my mom told me that my aunt would soon call me to ask if I could take her to the mechanic so she can pick up her car. I had expected that my aunt would call me soon as my mom just saw her. But she did not call and it was already late in the day, I thought that perhaps she does not need my help otherwise she would have called me. Only later did my cousin ask me as my dad and I were playing a game of chess at night. He thought he was going to the mechanic and not his aunt. He asked me whether his mom had asked me yet for a favor, and I responded: she has not asked me yet. He then asked if I could pick him up from the mechanic. Later that night my dad asked if I could take my grandmother, his mother, to the airport at 4 am in the morning. I got upset and told my dad, everyone is asking me to drive them around. Im going to pick up yannis tomorrow, and I saw my cousin smiling. I was angry at my cousin smiling and I thought he was being disrespectful. I thought this is not fair that my father does not consider me within asking this of me. We did not speak of this and later in the next day I considered that I was the only one who could take them, as my aunt’s car was broken. And so I decided to do it.
So I had picked up my aunt from the mechanic the next day. She did not tell me what time, as I only spoke to my cousin last night.  we got to her house she asked me if I could take my cousin to a store for a delivery of food and to pick up some tofu. I thought why did I have to wake up so early as I have to wait now for the store to open. This is unfair, she could have told me earlier. I did not even consider that she had not thought of it until we got to her house and she remembered she had a delivery. I also did not consider that I could say no. I just thought ok. Later in the day we were having lunch together as a family and since my aunt did not have her car I was asked by my girl cousin if I could pick, up her brother (my other cousin), my aunt and my grandmother as they all live at the same place. Something notable happened. When I arrived and when we were all set to go. I felt happy because my aunt was saying wow look at this car, and that Yogan is driving us. I thought I was accomplished and revered. I felt out of body. I then thought I hope my life does not fall apart. I felt very scared. I was at a stop sign and there was another car waiting to turn. I saw him motion his hand to go and I saw he was angry. I looked ahead where I was going to go and went. I did not see the other way and a car was coming speeding. It slowed down to avoid hitting us. I felt very scared. I was thinking angrily that my aunt should not be laughing as a car almost hit us. I angry at her laughing and thought she shouldn’t be laughing as we almost had an accident. I later thought she was laughing to release the fear of almost crashing, it is her way of dealing with it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my aunt should be responsible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my aunt should be responsible when she had not called me to ask me for a favor the next day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my aunt should be responsible to the emotional experience known as anxiety and angry.
When and as I see myself participating in the emotional experience known as anger and fear while I realize my aunt has not called me to ask me for a favor, I stop and I breathe – I realize I can be responsible and call her – I realize I do not have to wait for another to be responsible to be responsible myself – I realize I am being selfish with my time and irresponsible if I do not call my aunt to confirm.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think she is trying to trick me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think she is trying to trick me when my aunt asked me last minute if I could buy food for her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought she is trying to trick me to the emotional experience known as sadness.
When and as I see myself feeling sad while my aunt is asking me for a last minute favor I stop and I breathe- I realize I can say no- I realize that whether she is trying to influence me or not I am the one who ultimately allow myself to be influenced – I realize I must consider practically whether I can help- I realize I am equal to my aunt and I must respect my time as well as her needs – I realize helping another is easy if one does it as self and not the mind.
I commit myself to stand in front of a favor and not allow myself to be influenced emotionally.
I commit myself to whole-heartedly help if I agree to help.
I commit myself to be practical in saying yes to help requested of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am accomplished and revered.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am accomplished and revered when I received compliments by my aunt on driving everyone in my dad’s luxury car.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am accomplished and revered to the feeling experience known as happiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hope my life does not fall apart.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hope my life does not fall apart when I went into my feelings of happiness and noticed I was in my mind and not in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I hope my life does not fall apart to the emotional experience known as fearful.
When and as I see myself feeling happiness while I am driving my family around I stop and breathe – I realize I need to be here to be effective in driving to ensure maximum safety – I realize I cannot be here when I am feeling happiness – I realize that this happiness was not the real happiness as i was not here whereas the real happiness would be here as me as the physical one and equal.
I commit myself to stop happiness as happiness is not here. Unless it is here as me which would be real.
When and as I see myself feeling the emotional experience known as fearful while I am driving my family around I stop and I breathe – I realize it is dangerous driving afraid of an accident or crash. I realize I must stop my fear immediately when it comes.
I commit myself to breathe when fear arises while driving and focus on the road.

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