“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Day 3

Following from my post of day 1, i see that recently i have been separate from all that is here. I was living one and equal to myself here as my immediate environment, but within that i allowed the mind because i was not willing to see past my immediate environment. For example, in my studies for school i had only focused and accepted and allowed my work to be the only thing for me to be concerned about, within the belief that i would do my best by doing so. But i separated myself from my initial motivation and reason for studying, which is life. I used to place myself here as existence as the people who suffer in the same moment that i breathe. They are here in every moment. And so by remembering them and being aware that they too exist, i can get outside my ego and my limited view which is my immediate surroundings. Again i had stopped doing this and I was consumed by school work.

Looking at what i wrote about how life has been my motivation, i see have separated myself from the definition of life. Because why can't i live here and be here for myself, here. Why do i need someone outside of me who is suffering that i must then be here in order to help them maybe one day. Why can't i just be here for me. Why not include myself within the definition of life? Why not include myself as a motivation for myself. Why not include the experience of myself here as important.
My placement of everyone else as my motivation for studying is analogous to using God as my reason for studying. As a child, my mom told me to do everything for god because then you are doing everything for the highest good. So strange that there are levels of good. Anyway, i had lived this advice from my mom. I studied for god. I suffered within my school work in highschool but i did it for the highest good/god. I can see now that I suffered because i ignored myself and believed i could not change my reality and i was not worth helping and that the rest of existence is more important than me. I believed it was my fault i suffered but i needed help outside of me in order to change. I also believed that everyone else was in the same boat, and need help outside of them from people who know more. I also thought that people were ignorant of suffering and did whatever they could to escape their suffering and all of their happiness was invalid. This was true for me, and i believed that real happiness existed in loving god as existence. So naturally i desired relationship because i could love a girl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live here only if it means helping another person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and live that helping another person makes oneself superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and live that helping another person without desire or attachment to do so makes oneself superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that not having desire or attachment makes oneself superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and live that only helping others is the purpose of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge helping others makes oneself superior.

I believed there were gurus and people who taught how to attain real happiness. I believed i needed to find the way so i can show others, but also so that i can know real happiness. My desire for relationships with people drove me to want to help them. I realize that i only desired relationships with people, because if i had good relationship experiences i judged everything to be good or perfect. If i was not in such experiences of good relationships, everything was lacking, including myself. If i helped people i learned i would have a better relationship with them; they would like me and talk with me. So i realize now that my motivation for helping people was to get good relationship experiences and be seen as good and so have a good relationship experience with me. I see now that the good relationship experiences were actually simply experiences of myself as complete or whole. So really i was after only the good experience with myself, where i feel whole, not lacking. Within that i can see i desire power over reality. And i can see that is why i feel good when receiving money because money is power. With money i can feel whole because money is power. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate feelings of power when i receive money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that money has the power to support life and within accepting and allowing my self-validation and self-worth be dependent upon receiving money i jeopardize supporting life.

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