“…simply make things better for someone else, as if I were to be born again, and that someone else, and it doesn't have to be me, but it could be someone like me, that they would have a better life than I had, that everyone was better. There is something seriously wrong with everyone, and that is something I observed when I was very young. We are the problem, and we need to become better, because we are fucking everything up.”
“So this is who I am. There is something seriously wrong with everyone and we need to fix it, if not for us, then for the future generations."
"Everything I have done in this life, and everything I will do, is for this purpose.”

Monday, December 31, 2012

Day-45: Fear; its got you by the balls.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am nothing without success.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am worthless if I do not live a life of worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a life of worth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exclude myself from what it means to live a life of worth, and chose to follow fear of appearing arrogant to others (i ironically became arrogant as a result)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my relationship with myself, within who i am with me, how i interact with me and reality, that i was somehow dishonest and everything i had lived needed to be lost, without realizing i am simply investigating me piece by piece and see, through asking, am i in fact living, am i in fact here? I am in fact in directive power? And daring to see the truth which requires only for me to be here to see. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my fear that i was in fact totally dishonest, without questioning the fear or whether i was really dishonest to myself and hiding something and participating in something harmful to life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing real fears i am participating within and as myself, and had instead made up fears, and spoke nasty about myself to then try and walk these nasty things which were really not too bad in comparison, and were not the real fears and were only the smoke and mirrors that his what was occurring within and as me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself here, out of fear of appearing bad and feeling bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in a moreness and a powerfulness of myself that I choose to be weak and submissive and experience very little to avoid seeming arrogant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking arrogant to others, thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear believing and thinking i appear arrogant to others, and others think i am not honest in my words, and something must be wrong with me.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think something is wrong with me without seeing what it is i am saying is wrong, without supporting myself through changing, and so only think this as a way to judge me and label me as bad so that i do not have to face the badness at all, that i am all bad, and so i give up. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply judge and label things without understanding the things i am speaking of, and see who i am within these words that claim i know this thing when i may have no clue what is going on, and so i would require as a correction to investigate these things thoroughly before saying anything about this thing, which has included self-judgement, and self-ignorance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and others in ignorance of what is in fact occuring, and so recognize what i do not know, and how trustworthy the information i have is in fact is. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust any information blindly and not investigate before making real decisions based off of the information in front of me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my trust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust light, positivity, and happiness. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question what is underneath the surface.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to claim things about me or others without understanding what is occurring in detail of the context/situation. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust me to investigate whether this experience that I was already claiming and judging as a moreness, without investigating it, to really see what this is, whether, it is real, an expression of who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that all things lived within the mind can be lived within a self-expression as the physical, and so there is nothing wrong with the mind, and with any word like more, greater, light, and what this process is is us taking responsibility for what the mind has taken responsibility for, directing us in reality, and so for the first time we can start to take this responsibility slowly and surely within considering this reality as ourselves. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe, perceive, and think that if i can just program the mind to support life, all will be well, when i would in fact remain a slave still, and not ever know reality unless i stand up and really direct all that this life has to offer me. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume and believe that I am in fact living here, without being here to see if this is true, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever trust a belief, instead of investigating and seeing direct the matter at hand. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I do not have to be here completely as this physical body, as breath, to be aware of whether I am in fact directing myself and am the one expressing me in specificity. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not read words here as myself, in direct seeing the meaning of each word. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop considering the position of everyone and seeing everyone as an equal, and how i am no more nor less than anyone else as life, including objects, things, nature, plants, and animals, along with humans, and even the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I was doing everything wrong, without even being aware what I was doing wrong and why, and I only stayed within a judgement, and self-pity, and anguish. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is a thought waiting for me that will have all the answers to questions i have, and there will be a great realization where i feel i understand now and i can trust this information. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see what others say as simply what others have said and it depends on me whether I react to what others say or I really investigate what others have said and see how it can support life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I know nothing that I have no clue what to do, without investigating whether this is in fact true.
I commit myself to walk my process for myself as life, and treat others as I would myself. 
I commit myself to test any assumptions i have.
I commit myself to test all beliefs i have.
I commit myself to question what designs, and programs i am following.
i commit myself to test my words and my writing.
i commit myself to test all information.
I commit myself to be practical with what i can know, what i can't know, and what i can trust. 
thanks

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Day-44:Use the Mind to Support the Birth of Life

What is best for all? Can love become what is best for all? A better question, why is love not what is best for all? Why is love separate from what is best for all? Why am I not aware of each thought I have, and each any every impulse, movement, inclination within me? Why do I pretend I am aware of such things? How do I become aware of who I am really within making a decision for example?
What am I basing my decisions on? What factors am I considering, who am I considering? Do I consider just me or am I considering others too? Do I allow feelings to make a decision for me? Do I one day choose A because I feel good and choose B because I feel bad? Is there more than just my feelings/emotions? (yes).

I make doing what is best for all my priority to consider in my decision. This is something for me to live and apply. To whether I feel good or bad to do what is best for all. Like questioning, why do I feel good or bad? Why do I consider anything other than what is best for all (includes me, since I am part of all, one and equal)?

I cannot fight the mind. Fighting the mind would be fighting myself. I need to understand the mind. Ask questions. Question the mind, and so understand the mind. And so understand who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as well, and what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as the physical body. Also what is the physical body really.

One interesting answer I have to the question what do we know when we do x and y happens? Only that when x happened in the past, it was followed by y. We do not know anything else, we just literally have a memory. Its amazing the number of assumptions we (I) have made. The generalizations, the extensions, the expectations and the beliefs, all a memory.

In addition, I have to use the mind completely, and all the resources and things I  have at my disposable to assist me in changing. There is nothing bad with any of it per se, that I can use all I of me, and with this challenge of freeing myself from my own accepted and allowed imprisonment, you betcha im gonna need all of me on this one. I need to bring and use all of me, all that I have become to assist me in changing. Everything that works, works, so keep it. See what is assistive and supportive and use it. Whatever really in fact support me in changing really, stably, to what is best for all, to consider all (including me) equally in everything and really support a change through the EMC, @ http://www.quora.com/EMCapitalism , join us.

My self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of using the mind, because I was afraid of having a mind, because I wanted to be accepted by others as having no mind, because I wanted to be perfect, because I wanted to feel good and become more.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of writing me out in detail, for myself to see who I am in detail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can do this alone, when really I need to use every resource I have available, within and without, to have the best chance to free myself, which I realize that it is a difficult journey and I need to give it everything I got.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight the mind and separate myself from my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having a mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others may say or think if they were to see my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mind as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand that whatever I judge as bad is really myself judging myself as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the mind is part of self, and can be utilized to support myself and life even within stopping programs of the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up and give into fear and anger instead of realizing that I am not really giving it all I got, within which I can be self-honest and hold no regrets as to actually using all my resources in supporting myself and life.
When and as I see myself feeling despair when I am stuck in writing or in another activity, I stop and breathe and I ask myself, am I giving it all I got? – I realize I can probably do more – I realize there may be options, choices, and tactics I have not tried or I have ignored, or I am afraid of using/doing – I realize that the mind is me and there is no point in fearing the mind and I know that I am not limited to following the mind’s programs, and that the mind can be a great tool – I realize despair is a program I can step out of and then direct the situation I am in.
I commit myself to stand up through utilizing all of me and be directive with the mind to in fact support life.
I commit myself to write clearly and in detail, using what I have learned about communication and writing, where I write so that what I write sounds easy to read/hear, and also easy/clear to understand where all questions that may rise are clarified.
I commit myself to live my words.
I commit myself to say only what I mean to say.
I commit myself to write my words so that my words stand for all of time.
I commit myself to be as practical as possible with my words, in referring to referents that are the most accessible to as many people as possible.
I commit myself to use vocabulary that is generally accepted by society so that society can understand me, where possible.
I commit myself to be cognizant how a person reading my writing for the first time will understand it.
I commit myself to remember what I learned today that despair is a program I can step out of and all I require is myself, all of me, to do it.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Day 43: A new Beginning

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I had an interesting moment just earlier. Its difficult for me to write, probably in part for the same reason I am writing this blog. The reason being about this realization that I ask permission for myself to live, essentially. I ask permission to have my realizations about myself to be able to be lived and applied by me. I feel wrong and bad to even ask someone whether I can live and apply this realization I had on myself. This realization that I ask permission to even realize things about me. I see also how the same thing goes for asking permission to do bad things, where self-honestly I would not do those things, yet I want to from the perspective of the mind. Which is another layer, of the mind. And I can see how this asking for permission is really my mind granting itself permission. Where sometimes the mind may use a few words out of context to give itself permission (me) to do the thing it wants (I want). And I trust it, because I received permission, therefore I must be self-honest, when really self-honesty does not require permission from anyone, or justification from anyone else to live and apply a realization that self has realized, which self can even be held accountable for because self realized it within awareness, and it is not dependent on anyone else through asking their permission. Within this then I give permission, so to speak, to myself to live, and realize there is no goddam separation that I am self-responsible for how I live and what I apply myself as. That permission was an excuse, to do things that I would not otherwise allow myself to do. Or also to not do things, that I would want to live as because there was a point of self-honesty within that realization.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask permission to apply and live a realization I have on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘permission’ as an excuse to not live and apply realization I have on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘permission’ as an excuse to not be self-honest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse ‘permission’ through utilizing it to support separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel wrong and bad for not asking another whether I can live and apply a realization I had on me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distrust myself through using asking permission.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself through using asking permission to live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not capable, I am worthless, I am nothing, and I require others to help me and support me to become self-honest, that I cannot possibly know anything for sure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not utilize others effectively to serve as mirrors of myself, to investigate myself effectively in self-honesty and in self-direction, and breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on thoughts to let me know who I am, what I should do, instead of me taking self-responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forsake me within trusting the mind and within trusting others, that somehow the mind and others would know better than me, that I cannot possibly know for sure, which I know is BS, since I can practically walk a timeline of events to see the outcome, and therefore assess what is best for all through this method along with the one and equal principle. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not use others as only a cross-reference for myself, and even then to not believe others but to test for myself in self-honesty again, who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am nothing in comparison to the mind, that I am worthless in comparison to knowledge, that I am not capable of knowing what I should do, and therefore to trust my past completely instead of standing up one and equal to my past, and see the real past and real history of myself, instead of seeing just the mind altered history.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self-honesty to just that which others can and will agree with.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear repercussions from standing within and as self-honesty that others disagree with and reject or dislike.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my self-honesty when I am being seen by others, where I hide who I am and my self-honesty for fear of rejection and conflict and rather present a nice picture.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to get on everyone’s good side in order to have them listen to me later on.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior than everyone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think everyone else is more happier than me and that something is wrong with me and I must change, and get people to like me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to tell me what is good or bad about me so I can become more good.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider myself as an equal in process and only saw myself as a thing that needed information and input on who to become, when really process is me standing up to change me within the understanding of who we really are as life as all as one and equal, where no one else can show me this, that only I can see this for myself, and there also I am not responsible for whether others see it and can at most show a sliver of it to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure who I am according to how relax or happy I feel.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure who I am according to how much anxiety, and stress I feel.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to become stressless and anxiety free without understanding how or why I am stressed and feel anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a care-free life when oneness and equality requires caring for all, and ever bit and piece equally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowng myself to think I am part of something greater, when really I am not greater and only equal.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as more.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse this physical body through thinking I am more now.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am more.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think anyone can become more.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others disagreeing with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am less than if others disagree with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think people are wrong for not applying their best effort and all they need to do is change and its easy to do so.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make assumptions on who another is and what their process has been like, and what others will think of me, when I am the only one here having these thoughts, so they only reveal me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek answers outside of me on who I am, when only I can know who I am, and how I am, and anything else would be a lie.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to prove my self-honesty to others and that I am more for being self-honest with me when self-honesty only has to do with me and is for each alone to live with themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can inform another what is self-honest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my self-forgiveness and self-honesty instead of always testing and making sure whether it is really self-honest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think if others agree with me it must mean I am right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear breaking the bubble, in myself or others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think some beings are more than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can be more or less than anyone, including life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not focus on my application and living moment to moment and work on me, instead of getting caught up in comparisons, and thoughts, and theories, conspiracies on myself and others, worries, doubts, and concerns.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust a physical movement to mean something, instead of investigating for myself what this physical movement means.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself through trusting blindly my mind, my thoughts, my physical body, my self-honesty, my self-trust, my self-forgiveness, instead of making sure I am here creating who I am, in breath and my starting point is oneness and equality as all as one and equal, since this is self-honest and the more preferable way to live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be less than who I am because I wanted an easier process.
I commit myself to apply myself fully who I am in everything that I do.
I commit myself to breathe in every moment with and as the physical
I commit myself to utilize others as mirrors for who I am.
I commit myself to establish self-honesty with myself.
I commit myself to create me according to the principle of oneness and equality.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Day-42:Being Unaware of youself is Laziness

Laziness.
Where have i accepted and allowed laziness to manifest?
its funny, laziness does not have to be inactivity.

Being here could be an "inactivity" for a moment and breathing while i sit for example. Though its not inactive. In looking for laziness, its in those moments of walking to the cafeteria to eat where i am lazy in that i do not walk in equality with the physical. Being unaware of yourself is laziness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here and walk with the physical while walking somewhere.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here when sitting while on the computer. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here when using words in speech or in writing.
I commit myself to be here with the entire physical body, including the hands, feet, legs, pelvic area, belly, back, shoulder, neck, chest, arm pits, face, top of the head, back of the head, belly button, the inner organs, the bones, my knees, and to also sit up straight when at the computer (having "good" posture prevents scoliosis).
I commit myself to be here with the physical body and walk in breath, breathing at the pace necessary for the body, moving at a rhythm and rate that i am directing, pressure of the legs that i am directing and to be aware of the thoughts that arise and to support me in walking in good posture with my muscles supporting the framework of the skeleton
I commit myself to be here before speaking to ensure i am not speaking from a thought.
I commit myself to be here and speak/write as myself as the words that are spoken/written.

Desteni.org Destonians.com EqualMoney.org

~Prevention is the Best Medicine ~Prevention Rocks!!!!!! ~Privy Prevention? ~cmon, lets do it, Prevention!!! AAAAyeah ~the Big P


Day-41: Equal Money and Competition; How will children live in a world that is best for all?

 I did a vlog on this text below that i wrote, and i will now follow through with self-forgiveness...
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Children are taught competition. Look at this commonsense. Children are taught games where competition is required. Why is this brainwashing/teaching not questioned? If no child was brainwashed to play sports based on compeition, or games of competition etc… would children compete? If children were given everything they required to live a dignified life, would they compete? If children were taught to care for life and each other, would they compete?
Obviously not.
The entire generation of abusers and ego can end in One generation of children if humanity dares to take on the challenge. We think competition is natural, though ask yourself, would competition exist without survival? What if survival was taken care of, that everythin you require is provided for. That would end survival wouldn’t it? That’s living in the lap of luxuray, of course within responsibility and caring for life, as that is the only way such an existence can exist where all are cared for, requiring all to Participate in the caring for all. The beauty of it is that you do need to be a good being, or even a bad being to see the commonsense of caring for all, so caring for yourself. Its commonsense. Care for all, care for yourself, since all will support you equally as one as you supported them. And there obviously strength in numbers as history can show us. 
SO is competition necessary? In my thesis for school I will try and show that any “positive” effects of competition is the result of either the body performing at its potential or it is a delusion. It is an interesting undertaking. Past research already shows how both good feelings and negative feelings are produced such that in competition you feel worse. This study I am referring to was using a cognitive task. One can imagine that when during physical competition you feel good through the movement of the body. This is a separate question that can be tested as well. ANYway.
Schools, are these systems supporting survival. So is our work/jobs, supporting survival. Why not instead, take everything of this world to actually “take care” of survival such that survival does not exist anymore, and what exist is life, well what would be the potential for life. Is this cool? Is this commonsense? Who agrees? Disagrees? Why? 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question competition as necessary and see that competition is an excuse to not direct oneself to achieve a life of principled living that includes the definition of life as self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as society, use competition as an excuse to not take self-responsibility for this world and who we are.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with another in hopes of winning without see the starting point of desiring to see i wanted to be more, without realizing actual reality of the situation that we are all one and equal in the physical and cannot be more than ourselves. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the commonsense that competition is not real yet had real physical consequences that manifest inside the human body like stress, anxiety, which is suppressed when we win, which can be observed in athletes where they break under pressure and lose a competition. 
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing sports within reality as a proponent of competition without questioning whether we as humanity should be fixating our selves, our attention, and our time within a game where there are real horrors that require sorting out, and require our selves, our attention, and our time in committing to end abuse in lack of basic resource to live through a practical solution and not through band aid effort like charities, but a real actual permanent way to ensure everyone is taken care of. 
I commit myself to stand as an active support of education for others to learn what an equal money system is as a system designed to manifest what is best for all in fact, in a mathematical and measurable fashion, done with and through everyone, as equals in actually manifesting the system piece by piece where all are active in ensuring their own support and so all, through supporting what is best for all. 
I commit myself to show you do not need competition to do what requires doing, through becoming a living example of doing what requires doing in my daily life and moment to moment application of myself.
I commit myself to show it is who i am in what i do, not what i do, that determines what i do and even who i am.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Day-40: Some Groundwork and Some Gurus


Im going to take this deconstruction of myself slowly.

I always wanted an easy life. 

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I can see this play out in the context of two summers ago where my dad, my brother and cousin and I were building a shed for my dad. I noticed how I did not try my best and how my dad kept telling me I would hate this kind of work because I do not enjoy working, like him. He wanted me to get a degree so I can get a job that does not require to much work and makes relatively more money than other jobs without degrees. This reminds me now of a conversation my dad and I had around the time I was about to enter highschool. We were walking outside at night and my dad asked me if I could have any job in the world, any, what would that be? What would you do out of love? To respond I first looked inside and saw a distaste for work that had no 'significance' where people are not 'helped' in what they need helped with most. I made it my job/responsibility to help people with their minds.  Behind these thoughts/my mind was feeling love and fear for doing a job for another person that was not entertaining. Love was an entertainment then for me. And the ultimate entertainment was feeling love within being someone who helps people through having total control of another being through their trust of your words. The basic design of a guru, from my perspective. A psychologist is also a form of a guru, where people trust the clinical psychologist to tell them/show them who they are/what their minds consist of, and how to change. In fact the entire system is filled with gurus as teachers, politicians, parents, adults(if your a child), old people(if your not old), it all depends on a trusting "the superiors." God then too is a guru/psychologist, with his holy books as the manual that is supposedly has all the knowledge of who you are and so you do not have to trust yourself, just trust God (this is a big point i am only touching on).
 To start off on self-forgiveness I am going to tackle a specific point of placing self-trust in separation of myself from this moment here to the outside/external that I believe to exist because I felt they existed in my mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my own words to tell me who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my teachers to tell me who I am/how to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my parents to tell me who I am/the best way to live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in gurus to tell me who I am/how to realize who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in love to tell me who I am/how to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in God to tell me who I am/what I should do with my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in separation from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not realize teachers, parents, gurus, love, and God are here as me that I do not need to place trust outside of myself here, as all is here as myself as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my own feelings to tell me who I am/what I should do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my own thoughts to tell me who I am/what I should do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust in my own emotions to tell me who I am/what I should do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see directly who I am in the moment here and trust me to be able to see who I am, as all that is here is me and only requires me to be here to see.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the following statement: "all I have to do is be here with the mind and allow the mind to tell me who the mind is and thus who I am" implies I can allow the mind to direct me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can stop the mind in just one moment, and not realize I am in a process of stopping the mind and equalizing myself with the physical and so I have to both stand as the physical and stand as the mind to then stop the mind through self-forgiveness and writing.
I commit myself to continue the deconstruction of myself on these points daily.
I commit myself to investigate in my writings my fear of making a daily commitments to write.
I commit myself to write on my fear of making commitments I think I can't keep.
I commit myself to enter fears and stand as them to understand them so I can release them through forgiveness, all within utilizing my stand as the physical to support me in seeing these fears and taking them to self-forgiveness and self-correction in the physical.
I commit myself to build trust with me through proving to me what I am able to walk.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Day-39: My Emotions at Arms Length



When I was in the first year of highschool, towards the end, my mom had visited an astrologer to see about what would be best for me. She went on some day magical, like 5/5/05 which both her and I took as a sign of the value of the following, that I should change schools to a Jesuit College Preparatory school. When I heard the news, I thought it was like divine plan. I felt sad inside because there was this girl I liked and known for a couple years that went to the school I was in. I had however in my desperato fashion, saw leaving as good and necessary and I made a positive or unemotional fa├žade about leaving. Her and I had not been talking in a while, and all of a sudden in our English class she hugged me while we were standing. I did not hugged her back thinking to myself I can’t hug her or I would cry. I very much lived in a life of emotions. I never wanted to appear or look emotional so is my pattern of mind. I wanted to be courageous, not fearful, ever. I only wanted to be expressing positive things, lol. This is silly though because I ignore who I am here. I did experience those emotions, sadness, and its not to cover them up but to face them as myself and realize, that these emotions have been in separation from me and I require to align them as myself to a supportive position for myself and so all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can’t hugged her back or I would cry.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to this day keep my emotions bottled up and tucked away.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing sadness, and depression openly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own emotions, and so create it my mission to eliminate all my negative emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when initially start with Desteni to only want to know how to get rid of my negative emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within process desire to be without emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand one and equal with and as emotions as myself and realign emotions to my self-responsibility and self-directive stance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad that I was leaving my friend, as I secretly wanted to appear sad so she would feel sorry for me and continue to want me by her side.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my desire to appear courageous, sacrifice myself by cutting myself away from the emotions within me, letting them linger, unresolved and influencing my behaviors/living from a distance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see positive expressions as a solution to the negative emotions, as it only adds a layer ontop of the emotions, it does not in fact stand as a one and equal solution, otherwise i would face emotions/fears head on as myself one and equal to that and redirect the points into alignment within myself. 
I commit myself to walk in writing the points that are supportive to me to free the points I have kept enslaved to energy, e.g. the mind and sadness, and stand as the one and equal director of my life.  

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Day-38: Self-Forgiveness for Separation from the Physical that I have Allowed.

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can escape consequence and escape the mind through a process of separating myself from the physical reality WITHIN my mind through simply accepting and allowing the mind completely as my God or Master, where I completely rely on the mind and allow every single thought as the accepted truth of me, not realizing I am accepting and allowing it, I can stop, and that I have not in fact lived or expanded myself but have reduced myself to a box within a compartment in the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing thoughts because of the belief they are practical and support what is best for all, as obviously I am not being supported by thoughts, I am forgetting me, I am making the ultimate sacrifice in disregarding me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot direct and ensure the manifestation of what is best for all if I take a backseat in the mind and simply program the mind to what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize I cannot manifest what is best for all as myself if I do not manifest it here as myself in my living within awareness of breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to out of Fear and Self-Interest Seek a way out, outside of myself, out side of self-responsibility, out-side of complete full awareness of what is here within me, and not see that the only way is forward, into self, into standing within the body as the body in equality and taking full self-responsibility for thoughts, emotions and feelings.
I commit myself to walk within moments to take things slow if i need to ensure i am here and i am aware of what is moving in my mind.
I commit myself to simply watch as the thoughts move and to not follow them.
I commit myself to breathe one and equal with the breath as a foundation and support for me to know WHO I AM as the physical, and so can more easily see thoughts that move in separation of the physical/breath and are those parts of me that are currently separate from me as the physical/breath. 
Some cool links from 2007

Saturday, November 24, 2012

My current experiences within writing

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 So something to share with everyone,
I have changed writing on self or 'about us', everyone including me within this world which is the reflection of who we are, so I write on these two things I mentioned (they often go hand in hand in my writing) from a point of enjoying seeing myself and uncovering myself and seeing who we/I am. In breath its quite enjoyable from a physical experiential/here perspective where its like that experience where you are here and the you can continue and go as you know this body/you can. I immediately put what I “want” to write, and I “choose” my words sometimes and direct even small points of what I am going to say next, and its enjoyable from the perspective its what I know its me and so im just expressing me, there is nothing wrong or right since its me. So its like im talking to a friend, completely opening myself up to that friend. Its enjoyable.

So one interesting experience that is related is seeing like this energy monster within me, where when slowing myself down in breath, its like im reaching inwards with my awareness and i am accessing this monster, and this monster is very happy to come out and speak/write. So i happily share myself as who i am as this monster. This is what i did recently on the Open Forum (in my thread) and i wrote and wrote on everything this monster had to say (this monster as me). I notice halfway in my writing the direction shifted where another perspective was shared from another source located in my head region, like an intelligent monster, lol. Maybe more calculating. I knew this was me, as i am familiar with my story where is someone where to show me my memories i can point it out to them i recognize this memory its mine! So that makes writing such things even enjoyable as i would before process enjoy looking into my memories of me and my stories. This time im just writing it out for me to be really aware of who i am and see the real characters behind the whole show that is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sharing me, who i am, to myself, and not see how enjoyable it can be as a point i can push myself to do and see the awesome result of myself written in front of me and then i walk self-forgiveness with me to align me to what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the simplicity in sharing myself, as i am sharing myself, which is really what i know most about! as i have plenty of memories and points if i dare to be honest about them and remember them and bring them here to show myself who i am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and cover up my memories of me and try to pretend i don't remember who i am through energy, through separation of the physical, instead of being honest through being here one and equal with and as the physical in breath.

I commit myself to write myself self-honestly, who i am, on paper for me to face within correction in writing, utilizing self-forgiveness and so taking responsibility for what i have accepted and allowed as myself. 
-Yogan B

Day-37: Dimensions of a Song, a Script of My Life.


 I explore various dimensions within the pokemon theme song, that are layered within myself.
“I gotta be the very best, that no one ever was, to catch them will be my real test, to train them will be my cause, I will battle across the land, searching far and wide, pokemon to win the FIGHT! Its always been my dream. I know its my destiny, you’re my best friend in a world we must defend, gotta catch them all."
So this shows something cool & revealing about me. I would watch the pokemon show as a kid and I remember always feeling very emotional when hearing the song. So I was sitting here reading HJTL and the theme song came up. I within looking at the theme song see several themes about me.
“I gotta be the very best”
-this describes my desire to be the best and my motivation which is essentially a character.
“that no one ever was”
-This reveals to me how I don’t want anyone else to be as good as me.
“to catch them will be my real test, to train them will be my cause”
-I saw within these words how I would try and recruit followers to believe in my knowledge points and wise words and beliefs on how the world is. Like this was my purpose. To free them… lol.
“I will battle across the land”
-This is showing me my intense desire to fight to win at games or even in discussing with others my knowledge points, so also my intelligence of trying to be the smart one.
“searching far and wide”
- this I saw my constant searching and looking for people who would listen to me and follow me or constant searching for games to play or a discussion to be had.
pokemon to win the FIGHT!
-Competition Character
“Its always been my dream”
-This point of dream is a prevalent theme in my life (row row row your boat gently down the stream merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream). I feel emotional when I think of my dreams, and desires and hopes, as I would constantly imagine and fantasize them when I was “bored” which I saw I did purposefully to create entertainment for myself in my imagination and fantasies.
“I know its my destiny”
-hoping and desiring my destiny will match up with my fantasies and dreams and hopes and desires yet still commited to the belief and cause of following god’s will and my purpose and plan for me in this life that I believed strongly I had, and so I was willing to make ANY sacrifice to make sure I did what was I thought best for all in that there were angels, and gurus and spirits that knew more than I and were in a process of bringing children on this earth to raise awareness and WHY? I was only interested in what was in it for me, a cushy place in heaven or this existence with a cushy wife and feel like im helping people. (I remember I used the word feel very often, I never questioned it though and my mom would always speak of following one’s heart and love is the highest good, follow your heart it will guide you).
 “you’re my best friend in a world we must defend, gotta catch them all. ”
- So yeah, searching for friends and followers and finding my group and companions to be like happy and feel like we are the defenders and protectors and somehow are the best for doing this sacrifice and loved by all. I had wanted myself to be like a guide for all the special, crystal children and other kids who are suppose to be like aware beings, lol, and I was preparing myself through trying to get enlightened and trying to be like a guru with guidance knowledge. I went to the extreme of wanting to sacrifice myself to let absolute guidance guide everything for me that I would take zero responsibility, zilch so that somehow what is best for all would happen. It was around that time of extreme pushing in meditation and guided walking that I stumbled onto desteni, which made complete sense, though I was afraid. Starting from zero responsibility I was determined to become self-honest, lol, so yeah here I am after those years ago, in the process of self-honesty through equalizing myself with all, which this open sharing of myself is a part.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly follow my heart, my emotions and my feelings, as I knew they were working for my own self-interest and I could not fathom another way to live, that I would die without my pleasure, video games, Love, my heart, lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself to such an extent that really I was completely allowing the mind to have complete dominion over this physical body and I was reduced to a small point of energizing a system and only be aware and observe all that was going on (Mark: Ob-serving Character).
I commit myself to stand with and as this physical reality and take responsibility one and equal for the consequences we have all created through acceptance and allowance.
I forgive myself for accepting myself to believe that the highest good is scripted and exists all ready and requires our complete submission to a will outside of ourselves and so we give up responsibility in having a say or in creating this world, and so never questioning how I can leave the fate of this existence in the hands of someone I never knew, a stranger, that would constantly feed me love as a sweet treat that I knew was intoxicating and debilitating and got me into all sorts of trouble as it was not practical to be in love within completing responsibilities and walking this real practical physical reality where one has to communicate with people and love would never give a solution to ending fear really only to cover it up with love (leading to consequence for all)
I commit myself to walk physically with beings in assisting and supporting them to become aware of who they have accepted and allowed themselves to become and so do this same process with me, in establishing awareness of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and so take this who I am into forgiveness within considering what is best for all, which requires real, practical, living beings that understand how this reality works and act upon this commonsense of this reality, which operate in a specific space time equation that can be understood and calculated and worked with as it is a stable point and what allows us to even exist here together.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question the point of my parents urging me to pick a job I would LOVE to do and WOULD do for the rest of my life, where I would do it NOT for money, and so accepting and allowing the abuse of looking for something I would LOVE to do and not see that LOVE can be a practical physical manifestation in our living, and only have I ever seen LOVE as a feeling or experience to be felt by myself and others, and so completely neglect actual support and actual care and actual trust, and actual stability and actual knowledge placed in love, and actual consideration and equality, and actual oneness within equality and what that would entail. Instead I had become a robot that looks for points or buttons I can push to trigger the love within people through using of words and knowledge not placed within actual consideration of the consequences that this feeling called love leads to within a being’s life.
I commit myself to place myself in a position of a work that leads to the consequence of what is best for all.
I commit myself to make choosing a job be an actual consideration of real physical factors, time, money, location, work, consequence etc….
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overzealous on competing in games, not seeing the direct indication I was not a loving being if all I cared about was an experience of winning and I felt GOOD when seeing the loser in shock or sadness, and where my true nature is revealed in video games where I can set my real self free where I believed that video games are not real and games are not real and nothing personal, leading to personal attacks and Celebration (Mark: celebration character) when winning in rubbing it in the person’s face that I won and you lost, and we had an equal chance at winning so I am better.
I commit myself to when playing video games and seeing I react with joy, happiness or any positive energy (or negative like anger, hatred, despair) to stop become here as the physical and simply direct myself within creating consequences that support what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forsake the physical through believing awareness or consciousness is the point that humans need to increase within by becoming aware of the consequences of not acting in Love, and that they are responsible for their own experience through not acting in Love, and that we had to become more Loving within everything we do, speak, and touch, without realizing what Love actually is as a feeling and how that the Real Love of the physical would be completely Physically based and that no man, not even god is above the physical and to forsake our home is to forsake ourselves, this is us, the dirt is us we have missed us in the physical and have not been Loving as of yet.
I commit myself to place my time and structure my life to support our home, this earth, this body, through equal and one living and consideration of how to care and actually love, as measured in quantifiable decisions and actions that support what is best for all, and so end all energetic definitions and values placed on the word love through the redefinition of the word love in this world to be one and equal with this physical reality and so as all as one and equal.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Day-36: Love Starts Here: With a Commitment to End Starvation


I will in posts to come walk various characters. Right now (which is related to the characters i am focusing on, isn't it all related? um yes lol) im gonna see how love is missing from the equation of those with intelligence.
SO. Love. Right, WRONG? What we as humans tend to miss is the physical. That sums up the tragedy of the human. A tragedy in Greek Theater.
       So answer me, would not love dictate you feed everyone. I mean we see people do this, and we then take their f-in actions and glorify them, deify them as if they ARE MORE. So we don't have to give an F about ourselves really doing our part. Now that would entail ENDING Starvation. That's right i said it. END STARVATION.
       End starvation would be the first act of love that would have ever existed on this planet or this existence for that matter. No the creation of the human was not an act of love, no having sex is not an act of love. Buying your Girlfriend chocolates is not an act of love. ENDING STARVATION would be a F-in REAL ACT OF LOVE.
       ALL that it would require is you to BE LOVING, BE COMMITTED. IF you can commit your time to sex, relationships, school, work, video games, then you have proven you HAVE THE "commitment" within you to END STARVATION. All that is missing is YOU in the equation of actually standing as the LOVE. BE COMMITTED. 
      End starvation seems then very much like a relationship. It takes time, commitment, hard work. And it takes money, though at this point the money is to support those who really STAND TO END STARVATION through being the solution for the end of starvation.
      The solution most people are imagining ending starvation would require feeding people. I have a good question, why doesn't people feed themselves???????
       The answer, the people who starve would happily buy all the food in the markets, though they are missing something. Hmmm. What do people who starve need to buy food. Hmmm.
Oh i know, Molaaaa, Money.
       So instead of having all these charities sending shitloads of food to other countries, why not give the $$$ people need to buy stuff that is Rather Relatively CLOSE to their Homes?
       This has been proven to be FEASIBLE in the Basic Income Grant. The technology and pilot studies have been completed already. What requires is a little commonsense and COMMITMENT to bring this into FULL REALIZATION.
      Commit to speak honestly that we are responsible as we have time as we have money enough to not be in total starvation or poverty. We have leisure time. We have Free time. We have the body here that is the source of power of all we participate in. So what is missing is the LOVE stance, those commitment words. I will stand for life, i will stand for the creation of a system that will end starvation practically and so assist and support ALL life. I see i am responsible if i WATCH people Starve and if i choose to ignore, I AM CHOOSING TO IGNORE, and so obviously AM responsible for THAT CHOICE. That there is no such thing as innocence as i read these words.
     A practical scripted System built on the specifically designed purpose of supporting life is in the works and has come quite a way already...
    I am of course referring to Equal Money. The only system NOT ALLOWING PROFIT as a REASON FOR EXISTING. Life for Life.
Life is what we miss. say it LIFE for LIFE.
Equal Money is based on the principle of Equality and ONENESS. We are One and EQUAL. We stand with and as Alllllll. We see the physical as our reality. We do not consider that which are beliefs or religions, we see only that which is measurable. The Life Force that is this body.
   Commit yourself to yourself and ALL. You are part of All, aren't you?
I have a question, do those who choose not to commit to all, are they part of All? Hmmmm. (No)
EqualMoney.org

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think starvation is ok and acceptable as everyone i know accept starvation as no big deal and puts no effort in finding a real solution to make sure everyone no matter what you country you are in can have access to food as a requirement our body needs to eat 3 meals a day and not having access to this requirement diminishes a person and makes it more unlikely they will be able to compete or get access to food.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system that only considers profit and exists on the pain and suffering needed to keep those afraid of stepping out of line to place oneself as a real LOVING being who would stand for life for REAL by standing with and as all in oneness and equality as the physical to ensure all physical body's receive all the support they require, not only the Human, but also Plant and Animal, as there is no specialness or separation on the level of the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing our children to be conditioned and grow in FEAR of SURVIVAL as we as adults have allowed this system of survival that actually ALLOWS humans to DIE from not getting FOOD, CLEAN WATER, SHELTER and other resources needed, when there exists No Scarcity but Abundance, as there are daily supermarkets that THROW FOOD AWAY, and People with $$$ that are GIZILLIONAIRES.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that these two physical hands of mine are the same hands that grow all the food, that water the food, and so we do not require the ELITE to DONATE THEIR MONEY, but we can CREATE a new SYSTEM of MONEY whose Sole Purpose is to provide money to take care of the basic resources and to manage those resources to be Equally Available to All.

I commit myself to wash my hands of money by standing with and as an Equal Money System, unto its completion, that will ensure the Care and Love for/of Life as all as one and equal. 

LOVE LIFE PRACTICALLY!!
EQUALMONEY.ORG

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day-35: Behaviorist Character

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Mwuhahaha
Looking over my behavior this past months, I see I have been correcting my behavior to be what is best for all, through my memories and beliefs that were existent within me. I was not here in real-time, I was essentially a memory. So I patterned and placed my behaviors as programs to be lived. I justified behaviors based on certain reasons that came up within the moment. Since I was not here, I was simply an outflow of my thoughts on what I should do, instead of equalizing myself here as the physical and start from a one and equal starting point with existence and this physical body. I recall words that would pop in my mind as I wrote as if memories of what I have decided was good to say. I have in my history before Desteni been collecting thoughts, and points of knowledge and beautiful and wise sayings or points to tell people. I would then speak them out of memory. I did not start from a one and equal starting point to investigate the messages but trusted them for various reason, one being self-interest. I enjoyed the highs of speaking messages and speaking and living as a memory of beautiful and wise things. I was on autopilot and not participating in reality, though obviously creating consequence through not participating in a reality where I do have an affect on this reality. I see how behavior, as studied in Behavioral psychology, as how we humans have come to see, live and define behavior, as a memory as a patterned way of acting/reacting.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live, see and define behavior as a memory as a pattern way of acting/reacting and not a one and equal starting point as the physical body that can be self-directed as self to step out of a pattern and to become part of a new pattern one that supports what is best for all one and equal.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility through self-forgiveness for the preprogrammed behaviors I have accepted and allowed as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live here one and equal as the physical in breath and live a pattern as a living pattern based on a living decision to apply and live a pattern that assist and supports what is best for all one and equal.
~Behaviorist Character
Fear Dimension: fear experiencing fear, fear thoughts, fear emotions, fear losing feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear fear and so isolate myself and prevent myself from being self honest through hiding myself from seeing the truth of me as what I am participating in through my acceptance and allowance of thoughts, emotions and feelings, and characters.
I commit myself to breathe and be here when I am fearing myself, and fearing seeing the darkness inside me to assist and support myself to then take responsibility for this darkness as who I am through forgiveness and corrective application.

Thought Dimension: Me sitting in front of a professor who critiques my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to adjust and change myself according to how professors critique where I correct and change myself out of fears and so I place myself in a position where I avoid fears and simply follow a professor word for word, agreeing to everything and so confirming everything that the professor tells me without awareness of what really is said or agreed to.
I commit myself to breathe when I am receiving critique from the professor and I am seeing myself as inferior and inadequate where I completely submit and allow myself to change my behavior and so disregard myself, so to fit according to what academia suggest I do.
I commit myself to apply myself one and equal here as the physical to make the changes to who I am according to equality with this existence as a living expression I am in the process of becoming.

Imagination Dimension: I am a great scholar, I am on a podium as if I have won a contest, and I look happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a great scholar in my mind and so miss who I really am, and what I am accepting and allowing through this participation in imagination where all I am doing is generation a reaction and energy is sucking away my physical and I further support my separation from the physical through this desired hope/future projection of a great scholar.
I commit myself to breathe and be here equalizing with the physical and become the changes as who I am aligning according to oneness and equality with this physical existence.

Backchat Dimension: I can manipulate my behavior to be what is best for all. I don’t have to face thoughts emotions and feelings, I can just manipulate the behavior, in that way it looks like I have stopped thoughts, emotions and feelings. I can control myself through behavior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to hide from myself through staying on just the surface of things as my behavior and so accept and allow backchat that support my desires/fears of having thoughts and not having thoughts, creating further separation from the physical.
I commit myself to breathe here and take responsibility for my acceptance and allowance of separation from the physical through backchat.

Reaction Dimension: I feel happy +  I feel afraid  -
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am through participating in reactions I am sucking my physical dry through the process of taking physical resource and transforming it into energy thus supporting the destruction of this physical and also supporting a future possession through energy.
I commit myself to breathe and take responsibility for the reactions I have accepted and allowed within and as physical as me, and so stop.

Physical Dimension: Back pain, Heavy back, headache, lazy eyes, strained breath, hanging onto my body and desk. Zombie like.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself through participating within the Behaviorist character have accepted and allowed myself to slouch my back, hang on top of myself as my bones and structure where my body is barely holding up, and my eyes are heavy and my breath is strained, and I move like a real zombie.
I commit myself to breathe and bring myself back to the physical here and direct me within and as the physical to be and live what is best for all.

Consequence Dimension: I do not change, I lose awareness of what is here, within and without, I see things superficially, my behavior masks who I am inside, I react behaviorally to a situation. I suppress thoughts, emotions, and feelings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through the Behaviorist character have attempted to change me only superficially through behavior and so avoided changing me as who I really am within and without, and only creating further suppression of what I am accepting and allowing within and as me.
I commit myself to change myself through and through and leave no stone left unturned where I slow myself down in breathe to really in detail investigate who I am in writing it down for me to see, and so to then correct me and so align myself within and as oneness and equality as this physical existence and so support what is best for all one and equal.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day-34: Heaven or Hell, Dimensions of Sleep zzz

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So one prevalent point I have, especially on the weekends, is sleeping in. I am writing this in response to the forum thread, Only 4 -6 hours of Sleep Required?. So sleep and I have had an interesting history. I remember if there was like an emergency or great need to wake up like to head to the airport, I was able to wake like in a second though in a slight daze. I also used to before going to bed I would say I would sleep until a certain time in the morning and I would wake then.
Thought of waking in morning, lol. The Heaven = Hell
            So now in my current situation, I am a student studying who needs to be in charge of his study(and so sleep too!). I am writing separately a point on scheduling which will assist me in my setting my sleep pattern. So im going to just as a support see what excuses or reasons I have to go to bed early or to sleep in. Then I will establish a new pattern of sleep.
            So fears I have is the anxiety I feel when knowing I have to do something, it is very subtle but it is enough for me to consider I can sleep in with no big consequence. I think I am rewarding myself, I think I deserve. I think I am supporting my body. I think I neeeeed this.
The most basic point however of a sleep schedule or plan is not even established, which is what I really need.

            Before going to bed I may start thinking how wonderful would it be to sleep now and work on this assignment in the morning. How great would it be to sleep now? So I start entering into this sleepless, or sleepy state where my body feels like dead. What triggers it is knowing it is “late” by lookin at the time and say hmmm, its late, maybe I should go to bed, and my response is yeahyeahyeah.
            So this relationship was described in a previous blog of mine. I desired to keep sleeping and I feared waking. Two forces, but are they really a force? Considering we accept and allow it, who we would be, equal to it would make it not soo much of a force, but equal. And nothing can influence us when we are equal to it.
            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxiety when I know there is something for me to do as an obligation.
            I commit myself to support myself to breathe and to direct my sleeping pattern to be what is needed in my living situation to maximize my waking time and support me to be effective in my waking time through the sleep I need.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is no big deal to sleep now, I can take care of my obligation tomorrow, not realizing I am going to extend my sleep time longer than necessary to avoid my obligation, and so my starting point of separating myself from my obligation through sleep, is affecting my day and experience and relationship within and as sleep.
I commit myself to wake immediately with enthusiasm for the day and enjoy the fresh morning air and a tasty breakfast that too, like sleep, will be designed to be effective for my day.

            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine that sleep will be a great wonderful thing for me and so this places sleep within my mind’s eye and not within practical definition and reality of what sleep really consists of, which is a physical time for the body to reestablish and prepare itself for another day.
            I commit to when I will sleep to prepare myself in bed to sleep by being here in the physical feeling what my hands and head and entire body is touching and breathing.
            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat to define sleep as a desire and see waking and participating in reality within obligations as a fear to fear, and that fear and desire act as two masks of the same face where energy is the actual face and fear and desire are the surface where through removing the masks and forgiving the energy I can take my rightful place as life and a self-director of sleep as myself as a planned and placed support for myself in this world. 
            I commit myself to equalize myself to the physical such that I can as the physical move myself to wake when it is time to wake at the specified time I set myself.
            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in reactions as this charges the systems within me and further supports my ignorance and unawareness of reality in fact, as this physical body.
            I commit myself to stick with breath when engaging in the self-directed decision to sleep and when laying to sleep and when I am laying and time to get up and so continue breathing as I get up and walk my morning/day.
            I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within participating within thoughts, reactions, backchat, and imagination, to not realize I am creating further stress and destruction of the physical.
I commit myself to place sleep in a patterned schedule of waking up at the same time 7:30 am every morning, no matter the time I go to bed, and as such I can have a stable point where I have no excuse or justification to sleep more.